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In This Installment (11.20.2003):
KARL ROVE: SENIOR DOMESTIC POLICY ADVISOR
Good evening. I'm Karl Rove. As President Bush's most trusted advisor, I am instrumental in shaping Presidential policy on
all matters of domestic interest, political strategy, and photo-friendly cowboy couture. While many people correctly believe
me to be the most powerful man in Washington, my primary contribution to the Bush White House has been
fomenting the perception of that this administration cannot be influenced by polling, media pressure, or so-called "facts."
I'm also famously open-minded to diverse perspectives, and love having my sage opinions informed by dialogue with all
types: from ultra-conservative lobbyists to petrochemical billionaires and right-wing evangelicals. Its my pleasure to answer
your questions today. So let's get underway.
Virginia Wade, from Kentucky writes:
I have two questions. Firstly, as a universally beloved political genius, do you have any plans to increase your availability to your adoring fan base?
And secondly, would it bother you if a certain bodacious, yet purely hypothetical groupie
sometimes dresses up as a hotel maid and secrets herself into your Holiday Inn suite under a room service cart? And would you care
if, after you leave for meetings, she likes to emerge and bury her face in your fragrant day-old JC Penny boxers and huff frantically like a
19th century ether whore?
Karl Rove:
I am very thankful for my legions of admirers, and encourage all of them to think of me as an extremely available and approachable guy. To
that end, I make it a point to give all Americans ample opportunity to connect with me personally – provided they belong to the
right think-tanks, golf clubs, and have a few spare tens of thousands of dollars to fork out for the tickets to my speeches.
As for your interesting hypothetical question, let me begin by saying that I don't usually answer hypotheticals. All that extra thinking about
something that might or might not happen just seems a little too suspiciously intellectual and academic, and as someone who attended six colleges yet
never earned an undergraduate degree, I think you'll understand when I say I have a real aversion to that kind of thing. That said, I'll make a
semi-exception in your case, and answer your hypothetical question with another hypothetical question: Would it bother you to learn that
there'll be a black Winnebago with tinted windows idling at the corner of Constitution Avenue NW and 14th St. NW next Thursday at 5:20pm?
And would you care if it were unlocked, and the bedroom dresser were filled with crotchless latex unitards in your size?
Think about it.
Rose White, from New Jersey writes:
Mr. Rove, regarding your key role in blowing the cover of Joseph Wilson's wife as a CIA agent, Wilson was quoted as saying that he looked
forward to the day when you would be "frogmarched out of the White House in handcuffs." Any comment on that?
Karl Rove:
Is he still whining about that? Well, it sounds to me like John Wilson is determined to do a little frogmarching of his own – behind
his wife's coffin!
Now settle down everyone, I'm only kidding!
But listen, I've addressed this non-issue once already. So beyond that, I'm afraid I'm unable
to comment further at this time, except to say that all Americans can rest easy knowing that their totally impartial Attorney General, John
Ashcroft, is on the job. And speaking as someone who has not only worked on John Ashcroft's political campaigns (NOT the one where he lost to
a corpse), but has also been a very close
personal friend of his for many years, you needn't be remotely suspicious of a gross conflict of interest when I say that I'm 1000% confident
that John will do a really EXCELLENT job. Indeed, he'll totally disprove these ridiculous rumors that I would EVER maliciously leak information to conservative
columnist Bob Novak.
Bill D., from Ft. Lauderdale writes:
Dear Mr. Rove,
How is it that after getting fired from the 1992 Bush I campaign, that you have managed to remain in the good graces of the Bush family?
Karl Rove:
Oh, you're referring to that time I was fired for maliciously
leaking information to conservative columnist Bob Novak. Well, the fact of the matter is that the Bush family are honest-to-goodness
True Christians®. And as such, they are firm believers in giving
every person a second chance. Well, that is unless the person is a colored fella who had the audacity to sell a dimebag or break the speed limit
or stumble onto the radar screen of a government prosecutor who's behind on his conviction quota. No, the Bushes correctly believe that the best way to give
people like that a second chance is with a nice fat injection of potassium chloride.
But back to your question. True, I was fired for playing one particular dirty trick, but not before collaborating on a bunch of other
really neat-o dirty tricks with former President Bush's eldest son, George W. Well, George W. remembered how good I was at dirty tricks,
so like a good Christian, he decided to give me that second chance, and brought me onto his team in Texas once he became a politician himself.
The rest is history, my friends, and the Bush family and I couldn't be any more friendly. Except for Barbara Bush, or course. That
silver-haired gila monster doesn't forgive and forget nothing for nobody!
Norman, from Denver, CO writes:
Mr. Rove, After a grueling day of work in the White House, what kind of music do you listen to to unwind?
Karl Rove:
Boy, that's a toughie. It depends on my mood and how the day has gone. And to be honest, most of the time I don't even listen to music
to unwind. In fact, I usally just pour myself a tumbler of Captain Morgan's and Diet Coke, and fall asleep while masturbating to C-SPAN.
I can tell you this though, as the unrivalled master of spin, I decided some time ago that my personal theme song is the Steve Miller
Band's greatest-ever tune – Abracadabra. Sing the first part with me:
I heat up, I can't cool down
I got you spinnin'
'Round and 'round
'Round and 'round and 'round it goes
Where it stops nobody knows!
Abra-abra-cadabra
I want to reach out and grab ya!
Abra-abra-cadabra
Abracadabra!
That's hot, right? From now on, whenever you hear that, think of me watching C-SPAN.
Kate Smith, from Denver, CO writes:
Dear Mr. Rove,
Will the Bush 2004 presidential campaign employ push-polling to the same degree as in the 2000 Republican
primaries against McCain? If so, will the question/veiled-accusation involve an illegitimate child, or is
there a new version for the 2004 opponent?
Karl Rove:
Great question, Kate! Push-pulling remains a vitally important weapon in our arsenal of campaign weaponry. Of
course, it's far too early to settle on which question(s)/veiled accusation(s) we'll be using this time. For one thing, we'll be
running unopposed for the Republican nomination. So unlike 1999, when we called thousands of South Carolina voters and asked them
what they would think if John McCain had knocked up some sluttly little negress, we won't even have to bother with smearing
fellow GOP candidates.
No, this time, push-polling will be reserved for the general campaign season. Of course, we don't even
know who our Democratic opponent is yet! Rest assured though that we're already busy conducting the scientific research we'll
need to determine how Americans would feel if they heard that Howard Dean celebrated the passage of Vermont's civil union law by
participating in an all-night, 1000-man homosexual orgy atop the graves of dead war heroes.
Laura Novello, from Edison, NJ writes:
When faced with the decision of choosing between showing support for big business and religious groups, how do you decide whom to favor?
Karl Rove:
Interesting you should ask that. Because as a matter of fact, that very question has constituted the singlemost vexing juggling
act of my career as a Republican power broker. Sometimes you can find yourself in a real pickle over it. For instance, I spent all of yesterday
morning at a meeting promising a major chemical manufacturer that President Bush will gut the environmental regulations that are preventing
them from preventing them from transforming some worthless river into a lovely storage gutter for valuable liquid flourocarbon byproducts.
Then after lunch, I walk into my meeting with the Christian Coalition, and they're demanding a $100 million in taxpayer dollars to fund
a new faith-based initiative wherein single mothers are cured of their addiction to welfare by way of mass government-funded baptisms
in that very same river!
So what did I do? I gave them both what they wanted. Because in the end, what they don't know not only can't hurt them, it benefits me!
Jack Johnson, from Alamo, TX writes:
Isn't it time to remodel the oval office and especially to replace the carpet? The thought of our wellborn Commander in Chief
prancing across the same disgusting carpet that Miss Lewinsky and her vaginal mucus so savagely defiled just a short time ago
is far too much for me to bear. In these dark times we cannot afford to gamble on such rash oversights.
Karl Rove:
Your sentiment is dead-on, Jack, but you're going to have to start paying closer attention to current events. We
already did that. The Oval Office was remodeled immediately after President Bush took office, and the old blue rug was replaced
with one highlighting Mrs. Bush's favorite colors: vibrant beige and tan. Nevertheless, I want to thank you for invoking the mental image of Bill Clinton's
penis. No speech or memo of mine is ever complete without it. Thank you.
Karl Rove:
And on that note, I want to thank everyone for coming. I'm a man who appreciates a good challenge, and let me
tell you, finding seven non-damning, non-hostile, non-expletive-laden questions from the three thousands submitted has been one of the
toughest things I done. So thank you again, and have a good night.
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