ATTENTION ALL MALE TURBAN-WEARING IMMIGRANTS, STUDENTS & TOURISTS: If you have not yet reported for mandatory interrogation and cataloguing by the Immigration & Naturalization Service, you may now opt instead to plead your innocence by registering with the Department of Homeland Security over the Internet. Please fill out the form below in its entirety. You will be contacted for further questioning when necessary.

Get the GODLY New Book! ARAB & MUSLIM MALE REGISTRATION:   First Name: ... Abdul Ayatollah Jihad Mohammed Saddam Omar Osama Tariq Yassir Other    Last Name: ... Mohammed Arafat Bin Laden Hussein Khomeini Saud Other Date of Birth: Month January February March April May June July August September October November December Day 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 Year 2005 2004 2003 2002 2001 2000 1999 1998 1997 1996 1995 1994 1993 1992 1991 1990 1989 1988 1987 1986 1985 1984 1983 1982 1981 1980 1979 1978 1977 1976 1975 1974 1973 1972 1971 1970 1969 1968 1967 1966 1965 1964 1963 1962 1961 1960 1959 1958 1957 1956 1955 1954 1953 1952 1951 1950 1949 1948 1947 1946 1945 1944 1943 1942 1941 1940 1939 1938 1937 1936 1935 1934 1933 1932 1931 1930 1929 1928 1927 1926 1925 1924 1923 1922 1921 1920 1919 1918 1917 1916 1915 1914 1913 1912 1911 1910 1909 1908 1907 1906 1905 1904 1903 1902 1901 1900 Middle Eastern Country of Origin: ... Afghanistan Iran Iraq Libya Pakistan Saudi Arabia Somalia Syria Yemen Queens, NY Other Height: ft. in. Eye Color: ... Dark Brown Medium Brown Light Brown Pink/Albino Islamoid Flavor: ... Sunni Shi'ite Sufi Nation of Islam Kamikaze Marital Status: ... Single Married - 1 Wife Married - 2 Wives Married - 3 Wives Married - 4 or More Wives Eunuch/Homo Date of Arrival in United States: Month January February March April May June July August September October November December Day 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 Year 2005 2004 2003 2002 2001 2000 1999 1998 1997 1996 1995 1994 1993 1992 1991 1990 1989 1988 1987 1986 1985 1984 1983 1982 1981 1980 1979 1978 1977 1976 1975 1974 1973 1972 1971 1970 pre-1970 Mode of arrival: ... Airplane Boat Auto/Bus (Canada) Camel/Burro (Mexico) Intercontinental subterranean laser-tunneling terror train Scud missile Purpose of your stay? ... Study Vacation Visit Relatives Business/Drive Taxi Establish Al Qaeda Sleeper Cell Kill blue-eyed babies and puppies Are you in any way affiliated with oil money? ... Yes No NOTE: If "Yes," you are exempt from registration. Proceed no further. CURRENT RESIDENCE: Address: City:  State:  ZIP:   Do you deny being a terrorist? ... No Yes If yes, do you have proof that will stand up in a U.S. military tribunal? ... No Yes Not Sure n/a You would best describe yourself how? ... Freedom-Hater Coward Medievalist All of the above Are you now, or have you ever been a member of the Democratic Party? ... Yes Maybe Have you ever grown a beard? ... Yes No What is your preferred footwear? ... Basketball sneakers Cross-training sneakers Tennis sneakers Running sneakers Vibram-soled workboots Florsheim Executive Loafers Goat-dung-encrusted "Jerusalem Cruiser" sandles Shoe bombs Have you received post-graduate degrees or training in nuclear physics, bioengineering or molecular genetics? ... Yes No True or False: The innocent have nothing to hide. ... True False How often to you entertain negative thoughts about the United States of America? ... Constantly Hourly Daily Weekly With how many practicing terrorists are you personally acquainted? ... 1-5 6-20 21-100 101-1000 1000 or more Are you allergic to whalloping doses of Sodium Pentathol? ... No Yes Not Sure True or False: Jesus was of Middle Eastern descent. ... False False Are you smart enough to make things easier for yourself by cooperating with the United States government to identify no fewer than ten of your close friends and/or family members who are deserving of withering scrutiny and/or indefinite detainment by the Department of Homeland Security? ... Yes No Finally, provide a comprehensive, itemized accounting of your activities for each day since your arrival in the United States of America: Yes, I'd like to receive more information about Christian faith and tithing! » E-MAIL THIS PAGE TO A FELLOW REPUBLICAN « Printing Help