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Domestic Import Owner
The Foreign Car Buyer Database in Action
Immigrant Import Owners
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THE FOREIGN CAR BUYER DATABASE
The scene is a now-familiar one to millions of decent, TV-watching Americans: psychopathic and heavily armed
Sand People speeding across the desert wastelands of the Middle East in decrepit, dented pickup trucks.
These unwashed sub-humans are "terrorists," and their vehicles of choice are invariably foreign-made. Yes -
unimaginable as it may seem, their intense ignorance and hatred of the United States blinds these Godless buffoons
to the overwhelming superiority of vehicles produced by the Big Two (formerly "The Big Three" - before Chrysler got
in bed with Nazis). Which is all to say... TERRORISTS DON'T BUY DOMESTIC!
Having recognized this direct and conspicuous link between terrorism and foreign car ownership, the Office of
Homeland Security has undertaken an essential and ambitious initiative: The Foreign Car Buyer Database (FCDB). This cutting-edge
super-computer will contain the names, addresses, and DNA profiles of every foreign car buyer in the United States,
and will be an invaluable tool in the domestic fight against terror. Once completed in the spring of 2002, the FCDB
will be used extensively by the Federal Bureau of Investigations, which will dispatch upwards of 15,000 agents nationwide
to interrogate each person (and his/her family) who appears on the FCDB's comprehensive list of potential terrorists.
In anticipation of this colossal effort, the Office of Homeland Security has ordered that all foreign car dealerships
be shuttered no later than March 15, 2002 - and that their proprietors be taken into custody and their sales records seized,
processed, and incorporated into the FCDB mainframe.
The OHS looks forward to continuing to make America a safer place by any means necessary, and looks forward to your
presumed continued complacency.
Answers to frequently asked questions about this operation can be found in the grey sidebar to the right.
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White House Information:
