Hello Friends. This is Sally Struthers. Did you know that for just $20,000 a month, your corporation can give hope to an unemployed reactionary ideologue? It's true!

Today, it's a very sad fact that nearly every right-wing zealot lacks almost all of the basic skills valued by the free marketplace they so vehemently defend. Fortunately, the Bush Administration's "Sponsor a Reactionary Ideologue" program was established to aggressively combat the deleterious effects of this cruel irony - while sparing the White House the hot shame of publicly acknowledging its almost conjugally intimate relations with religious extremists of every imaginable level of detestability.

And so now, for less than the price of a single table at a Presidential fund-raising dinner, your corporation can provide badly needed sustenance to a publicly reviled leader of the extreme right wing of the Republican Party. The immediate benefits of such charity are clear: you'll look on with glowing pride as this ostensibly worthless human slurps hungrily at your corporate cash tit, gnashing his razor-sharp fangs of morality against your tender and receptive fiscal bosom. And in the long term, you'll enjoy convenient and wildly influential access to all manner of high-ranking government automatons who shape important policy related to your business! Who could ask for anything more? Act now!