Your Government:
White House Information:
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SECRETARY FLEISCHER: Good afternoon. The President began his day today with an intelligence briefing on
recent TV news coverage of the non-quagmire in Iraq, followed by a temper tantrum and a panty-wadding snit.
The President is dismayed by the non-FOX media's traitorous determination to practice fact-obsessed
journalism at a time of political crisis, and is especially enraged by the Iraqi populace's spiteful
refusal to play along with the line he sold to the American public: that those filthy ragheads
couldn't wait for us to kill their families, incinerate their homes, and take over their oil fields.
Well, I stand before you today to remind you that regardless of what it sounds like those Iraqi children
were shrieking as they fired machine guns at the soldiers of our vast coalition, they were really just scoffing at
the liberal fiction of rampant anti-Americanism among Iraqazoid civilians. Indeed, just as black is white, this
hateful myth is false. Yes, everywhere non-liberals look, throngs of beaming
Iraqo-Ricans can be seen blissfully reveling in their newfound freedom, smiling beatifically as they happily
extract jagged shards of JDAM shrapnel from deep within each others' faces – not unlike amorous gorillas plucking the blood-engorged
fleas off the backs of their godless animal brethren. And lest anyone doubt this truth, I ask them to remember
that the camera never lies, and behold the proof of our success to date:
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This lucky recent convert to
American FreedomTM is positively erupting with joy and excitement about her glorious future in the brave new world
that is George W. Bush's Iraq.
Flash those pearly whites, Miss Camel bin Lipstick! There's nowhere to go but up, up, UP!
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This handsome fella couldn't be happier to be on the shell-shocked receiving end of a Big Fluffy
Love Bomb of Democracy (BiFLBODTM). Why, moments after this photo was taken, he wrote out "THANK YOU PRESIDENT BUSH" in
a steaming rope of his own intestines!
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Sure, little Sadika here may look a mess - but looks can be deceiving. Truth be told, she was tired of
smelling all those icky death smells, and is tickled raw to be enjoying
the privelege of burrowing her giant Arab honker in a comfy, fragrant pillow of Freedom GauzeTM!
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Mommy and daddy were only supposed to be at the market for a few minutes, but now thanks to President Bush,
they're haggling over sheep's eyes in heaven for all eternity – and little Omar Jr. is so happy about it,
he can't wait to grow up and thank America in person!
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Blissfully relieved of the stresses which accompany the burden of functioning legs, barrel-chested Abdul
here dreams sweet dreams of imminent visits from agendaless American missionaries – all while breathing
deeply from a frosty tank of invigorating 100% Freedom AirTM!
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Some liberal naysayers still foolishly insist that it's impossible to enjoy freedom when you're dead, but
just try telling that to pretty little Fahmeeda. Why at this very moment, she's skipping Freedom
HopscotchTM with Allah on the banks of the River Whooped-by-Jesus!
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Positively bushed from celebrating their glorious liberation from life itself, these two teenaged
Iraqi soldiers don't have a care in the world. And as for the tasty-looking snack packed in their cold blue mouths,
well that's nothing less than USDA Grade-A Freedom SandTM!
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A freshly liberated Iraquess thrills to the wholesome excitement of an American-style hayless hay ride to
the nearest trauma surgery center! Later, she would cook and savor her very first Freedom S'moreTM over the warm
flame of a pile of gas-drenched Fedayeen corpses!
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This formerly Saddam-molested unfortunate weeps hot tears of Freedom JoyTM upon learning that she will soon
realize her dream of licking the soles of American jackboots while tending the graves of
her children in an ultra-utopian democratic gulag-state!
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What better way to kick off a splendid life of liberty than with six months of
R&R between cool, crisp hospital sheets? Think he'll remember that it was President George W. Bush who turned his
world of shit into a world of life-enriching Freedom FertilizerTM? Well sure he will!
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Iraqazoid youth flock through Freedom RubbleTM-strewn streets, jubilantly shouting,
"Hooray for America! We welcome their condescending reinvention of our inferior nation, and we
are eager for the establishment of martial law over our helpless sand negro selves!"
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Used to be, Raghib was just another ordinary little Iraqazoid boy.
Then one day, an American cluster bomb sliced through his pelvic viscera like a chainsaw through so much
warm hummus. And now? All the orphan boys in Baghdad want neato Freedom SuturesTM like his!
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Before Operation Iraqazoid Freedom came and toppled the nasty regime of the never-elected oil baron
Saddam Hussein, young Satinah's world was dark and dreary. But that's all changed now, and Satina just
loves watching it all unfold through her fancy new rose-colored Freedom MonocleTM!
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In a moment of quiet contemplation, young Saddamma pauses to appreciate the
advantages of the gleaming new Freedom PlateTM in her head. Asked her thoughts, she gushed
"Thank Allah for morally grandiose, non-opportunistic Western interest in our third world
cult of personality!"
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