PRESIDENT DENOUNCES FREEDOM-HATING COWARDS WHO RESCUED HIS PRESIDENCY FROM DUSTBIN OF TRAGICOMIC IRRELEVANCE

THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Thank you for coming. As you know, yesterday saw our great nation fall victim to a series of violent terrorist attacks, resulting in a tragic loss of life on a massive scale. I want the good people of America to understand the immediate repurcussions of these horrifying events.

First and foremost, it's important that Americans hear and accept my characterization of the culprits behind these heinous acts as "freedom-hating cowards." My advisors assure me that this grossly simplistic label will be highly palatable to the majority of voters, and deflect your attentions away from the many deep and complex issues that these events beg we face up to as a nation.

Secondly, and let there be no mistake on this point - I recognize that these horrible events represent a distinct turning point - not only for America as a nation, but also for my presidency. Before yesterday, I was a Commander in Chief without a mandate, without electoral legitimacy, without a chance of ever having my approval rating rise back above 45%. Today, the last of those things has changed, and my handlers now assure me that we are poised to steer my presidency off its previous one-way street to tragicomic irrelevance.

This morning, I stand before you a new president, determined to face the struggle that lies ahead. And so I say that now, more than ever, let us be thankful that my beloved father insisted that I be surrounded by his seasoned military and diplomatic cronies, who will, by the grace of God, keep my bumbling and provincial ass from escalating this already horriffic situation into a full-blown World War.

Thank you, and God Bless America.

END 9:08 A.M. EST