WHITE HOUSE STATEMENT BY ARI FLEISCHER: PRESIDENTIAL LEGITIMACY & COMPETENCY RISE COMMENSURATELY WITH APPROVAL RATINGS

MR. FLEISCHER: Good afternoon. As many of you know, this morning's newly-released CNN/USA Today/Gallup poll indicates that in light of the recent terrorist attacks against our nation, President Bush's ratings have skyrocketed nearly 45%, all the way to 90% approval - a level not seen since his father, former President George Herbert Walker Bush, so wisely called off the Gulf War of 1991 - just prior to realizing its objective of toppling the ruthless, psychopathic dictator & global-terrorism-financier Saddam Hussein.

At this point, it is my pleasure to assure the American public that in the past eleven days, both the President's legitimacy and competency have risen commensurately with the aforementioned ratings. President Bush is now, by all measures, no less than 45% more intelligent, articulate, and sober than he was before. His understanding of global diplomacy and foreign cultures has increased by 45%, as has his appreciation of international cuisine. Were he to be mysteriously transported through a quantum rip in the space-time continuum - all the way back to his freshman year at Yale - his academic performance would be 45% better - perhaps as high as a B-minus average. Also, and I think you'll all agree with me on this - he looks 45% better than before, not only while sporting his many masterfully tailored domestic suits, but also while clad in his signature Reaganesque ranch-wear, which clings to his well-toned, athletic frame like the thick pelt of an angus bull.

In short, the President is now 145% the man he was just two weeks ago, before murderous (non-Christian) religious lunatics forced him to not only confront the ineptitude of his own father, but also to imagine the transformation of his own presidency into one consisting of so much more than merely 4 years of continuous legislative fellating of his many corporate backers.

In closing, let it be known and accepted as fact that despite any future negative fluctuations in the president's approval ratings, that his newfound legitimacy and competence will remain at their current, grotesquely inflated heights. Rest assured that the best man is on the job, giving it his all - which is now, of course, and will continue to be, 45% more than anyone in their right mind accepts as even remotely possible.

Thank you, and good afternoon.

END 11:40 A.M. EST