THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Thank you for coming. As many of you know, this administration has been feverishly active in recent weeks - introducing an exciting and utterly necessary array of aggressive anti-terrorism measures, including the indefinite detainment of male Arabiacs, the establishment of military tribunals, and the approval of Operation Mandatory Patriotic Tattoo.

Recently, it has come to my attention that there are persons within this great country of ours who are under the misguided impression that the aforementioned initiatives are somehow legally questionable, inasmuch as they infringe upon something known as "civil rights." Well, today it's my duty to inform the good people of America that my advisors have invested tens and dozens of minutes investigating these allegations - and the fact of the matter is that the notion of "civil rights" is, in fact, an utter fallacy. It is an elaborate myth - an "urban legend," if you will - that was conceived and tirelessly disseminated by an unctuous colored preacher by the name of Al Sharpton.

I am pleased to announce that at this very moment, Attorney General John Ashcroft and an elite squad of Justice Department commandos are unleashing the full fury of a diamond-tipped battering ram on "Reverend" Sharpton's front door - and will have him in shackles shortly. After he faces my military tribunal later this afternoon, I will see to it that this neo-Arabiac charlatan is incarcerated indefinitely, or until such time as this false hysteria over "Civil Rights" has subsided - which ever comes first.

I want to thank the decent people of America for their continued blind subservience to me during this time of national crisis, for their ongoing determination to enjoy NBC's Friends, and for their fervent inclination to brand my baby-killing naysayers as the detestable traitors that they are.

Thank you.

END 9:03 A.M. EST