THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. Today, as Americans continue the long and difficult process of digesting their Thanksgiving dinners, I am cutting short my vacation to bring wonderful news to the good people of this planet. All across Afghanistan, the evil Taliban is in retreat, and the lesser evil Northern Alliance is on the move, making that vast desert armpit of a nation once again safe for lambada and mine field kite flying.

Tomorrow morning, United Nations delegates are scheduled to convene in Bonn to commence discussions on the formation of a broad-based, interim Afghan government. At this time, I am pleased to announce to the UN, and the world, that these meetings will be unnecessary. That's because, in keeping this administration's policy of selfless service to the people of Afghanistan, I have this morning signed into law Executive Order #13235.5, which calls for the immediate and permanent redeployment of all House and Senate Democrats to Kabul. And while I have not yet discussed the assignment with Senator Daschle or House Representative Gepart, I trust they will embrace this challenge with the same kind of unquestioning patriotic submissiveness they've become so adept at in the weeks and months since September 11th. Furthermore, I have little doubt that their Democratic colleagues will follow meekly in kind, smiling the twisted rictus of the politically castrated.

Once relocated to Afghanistan, these lions of liberal governmental smartitude will be tasked with the immensely rewarding undertaking of bringing order in the midst of heavily-armed chaos - and quickly resolving the effects of over two millenia of ethnic violence and mistrust. I think I speak for all Americans when I say how proud we are of our Congressional Democrats, and how confident we are that they will demonstrate their commitment to our nation by agreeing to remain in Afghanistan until such time as utter bliss and contentment is realized there.

In the meantime, Americans can rest assured that the White House will continue to work closely with remaining Congressional Republicans to bring about a long-overdue renaissance in domestic governing - to be marked by exciting and surprising new developments for petroleum importers, leftist commie academics, and impoverished pregnant teens.

Thank you.

END 1:22 P.M. EST