THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Yesterday, Americans of every stripe and persuasion were shocked and dismayed to learn that villainous liberal scientists have made the unthinkable a reality: biological duplicates of homo sapiens are being grown in laboratories like so many crazed and deformed rodents, and will very soon walk amongst us. Furthermore, my security advisors and I have reason to believe that these sub-human abominations, these clones, will in fact be employed to wage a war - most likely within the next calendar year.

Today, I want to tell the good people of this country that not only does my administration unequivocally condemn this new breed of grotesque and morally leprous biped, we condemn ALL enemies of the exhalted order of Jedi knights. Yes, whether it be the Sith, the Hutts, the Sand People, the Boba Fetts, or even the vaguely Jewish Neimoidians - the United States stands ready to repel attacks by any and all clones, cloners, freaks and pinkos who stand opposed to the Godly metaphor that is the Force.

Going forward, let clones everywhere be on notice - we are on to your little game. We see straight through your cloney charade. We can smell the formaldehyde on your slithery little tongues. And we WILL smoke you out of your dirty little petrie dish holes.

Thank you.

END 10:22 P.M. EST