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For Immediate Release
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Office of the Press Secretary
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January 11, 2002
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9:03 A.M. EST
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PRESIDENT: "I DID NOT HAVE IMPROPER RELATIONS WITH THAT WOMAN: MISS ENRON"
Press Briefing by the President
THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Alright, I want to get right down to business. It seems that a few of you
liberal intellectuals in the press corps are doing your best to aid and abet terrorism by focusing
the searing spotlight of truth on the sordid details of an alleged relationship between myself and a
sexy little Houston debutante named Miss Enron.
So before this nonsense goes any further, I want to state a few things for the record:
- I DID NOT HAVE IMPROPER RELATIONS WITH THAT WOMAN: MISS ENRON.
- Over a seven year period, I DID NOT repeatedly moan in indescribable ecstasy as she slithered her agile and
velvety tongue deep inside my campaign war chest, depositing $623,000 worth of hot political love juice.
- In 1999, I DID NOT squirm with unimaginable delight as she lowered her exquisite self snugly around my mighty
gubernatorial staff, gently coaxing me to deregulate the Texas energy markets ever further, further, further!
- Early in 2001, I DID NOT shriek in superb pleasure as she slapped my inaugural balls with generous check after check after
check, again and again and again, until each one was left utterly spent and exhausted!
- Finally, just several months ago, as Miss Enron repeatedly arrived at the White House bearing her full complement
of eco-political implements of gratification, I DID NOT feverishly satisfy myself upon learning
of her energetic servicing of not only my partner Vice President Richard Cheney, but also every last member in his
Energy Task Force club!
NO, not ONE of these grotesque assertions is accurate, and to even so much as imply that they are, during this, our nation's
hour of peril, is tantamount to giving Osama bin Laden himself the greasy reach-around. And needless to say, any journalist
who continues down this road will find himself in a whole world of traitor's trouble. I hope I make myself perfectly clear.
No questions. Thank you.
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