THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. I'm here to talk to you about the fate of the young California Democrat, John Walker Lindh, who was apprehended last November fighting alongside Taliban forces near Mazar-i-Sharif, Afghanistan. Today, after several months of intense debate within my inner circle, I have decided to deprive Mr. Walker the dignity of a televised execution by military firing squad, and decreed that his effetely unshaven and malnourished carcass be thrown to the civilian courts, where he will face the death penalty before a ravenously patriotic jury hand-picked by Attorney General Ashcroft himself.

As you know, I have referred to Mr. Walker in the past as a "poor fellow." And while I have now decided to actively pursue his euthanatizing, I stand by that label, for in many ways young John is but a victim. Yes, a victim - of undue permissiveness. And so I'd like to take this opportunity to formally chastise Mr. Walker's liberal parents. These wealthy Marin County Californians, who were clearly more interested in dropping LSD and swapping gallon after gallon of genital fluids with strangers at Jerry Brown rallies than they were in raising the kind of boy who wouldn't dress up in rags and pray to Sand Gods three times a day, were clearly incompetent - and I have urged the Justice Department to scour their respective tax histories for any and all indiscretions which might be retroactively prosecuted as capital crimes.

Some of my fellow Republican Americans have claimed that we should give this young man credit for renouncing his parents' liberal Democratic lifestyle, much as I am doing today. In fact, this poor fellow did exactly what we as Real Americans would ask: He ran from liberalism and devoted his life to God. But, friends, it's like an expression we have back in Texas says best. Choosing a God is like picking a toilet paper. You pick the wrong one - your ass gets burned.

I realize that there are those who will decry my directives on this matter as unduly harsh. To those persons I say "poppycock!" (hee-hee, which is a sort of dirty expression Jeb and I used to use about Daddy.) The Walker family brought misery upon itself! The signs were all there - as early as 1994, a young John, who was white, was listening to gang-related secret code in African rap chants and protesting Michael Huffington appearances long before he became a homo and that became acceptable. Over the next two years, he went from Buddhism to Hinduism to Islam, sniffing at the pert ani of a succession of False Gods like some kind of unneutered spiritual junkyard dog. Now any parent worth their own weight in 10W-40 knows that children's minds are empty vessels, into which you must fervently regurgitate a robustly correct and frothy ideology, lest they careen down the one-way street to Heathenistan, where the ladies wear garbage bags on their heads and the boys look like brown-skinned Charles Mansons. But no, the Walker-Lindhs chose to turn a blind eye to their son's doings, and so we all find ourselves here today, listening to me condemn this young Democrat to a just and certain death.

Both Mrs. Bush and I hope and pray that liberal parents all across this great nation of ours (but especially in California) will take note of these developments, and actively discourage their offspring's individuality accordingly.

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