| 1. |
 |
Ronald Reagan
Actor, Follicly Blessed Mascot
|
2. |
 |
George W. Bush
Prodigal Son, Tee Ball Enthusiast
|
| 3. |
 |
John Wayne
Actor, Testosterone Geyser
|
4. |
 |
Mrs. Clarence Thomas
Wife, Secretary of the Posterior
|
| 5. |
 |
Dr. Laura
GOP Jewess, Non-lesbian
|
6. |
 |
Jesse Helms
Senator, Diplomat, Rascal Rider
|
| 7. |
 |
John Ashcroft
Attorney General, R&B Purist
|
8. |
 |
Forrest Gump
Soldier, Entrepreneur, Anti-Intellectual
|
| 9. |
 |
Jesus Christ
Lamb, Republican
|
10. |
 |
Newt Gingrich
Bipartisanist, Deathbed Provocateur
|
| 11. |
 |
Danforth Quayle
Vice-President, Strawberry Blond
|
12. |
 |
Karen Hughes
Strategist, Man's Man, Snappy Dresser
|
| 13. |
 |
Eminem
Invented "Rap" Music
|
14. |
 |
Richard Nixon
Recording Artist, Dog Owner, Noted Fiction Author
|
| 15. |
 |
Charleton Heston
Arms Dealer, Cinemascope Prophet
|
16. |
 |
This Fetus
Party Loyalty Test, Wanted Until Birth
|
| 17. |
 |
Rush Limbaugh
Radio DJ, Functional Bulimic
|
18. |
 |
Antonin Scalia
Mary Worshipper, Ferret Breeder
|
| 19. |
 |
GOP Donors
Healthy, Wealthy, Unaudited
|
20. |
 |
Trent Lott
King of lock and load - and loads of locks, Toupee Innovator
|
| 21. |
 |
Ralph Reed
Adorable, Christian, Hetero-Klinefelter
|
22. |
 |
John Rocker
Martyr
|
| 23. |
 |
John Rambo
Icon, Veteran, Vigilante
|
24. |
 |
Lynne Cheney (Me!)
Author, Philosopher, Fox, Mother of One Normal Daughter
|
| 25. |
 |
Henry Hyde
Congressman, Athlete
|
26. |
 |
Michael Jackson
Singer, Pedagogue to Children, Former Minority
|
| 27. |
 |
Bill O'Reilly
GOP TV Spokesperson, Objectivist
|
28. |
 |
Dwight Eisenhower
President, Slayer of Communism
|
| 29. |
 |
Archie Bunker
Smoker, Ideological Everyman
|
30. |
 |
Tom DeLay
Congressman, Poet
|
| 31. |
 |
Barry Goldwater
Moderate, Welfare Reformer
|
32. |
 |
Canadians
Compliant, Innocuous, Cold, Residents of the 51st State
|
| 33. |
 |
Captain America
Crime Fighter, Ethnic Pillar
|
34. |
 |
Katherine Harris
Owner, fleet of Mary Kay Pink Cadillacs (and one pink Geo - everyone has bad years)
|
| 35. |
 |
Dick Cheney
Diligent Lover, Petrochemical Tycoon, Off-shore Entrepreneur
|
36. |
 |
Donna Reed
Ruffled Apron Trendsetter, Physical Perfection Incarnate
|
| 37. |
 |
John Tesh
TV Star, Keyboard Funkster
|
38. |
 |
Donald Rumsfeld
Sec. of Defense, Senior Sex Bomb
|
| 39. |
 |
Pat Robertson
Professional Christian
|
40. |
 |
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Actor, Kennedy Infiltrator, Aryan
|
White House Information:
THE SECOND LADY: Good morning. Today is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day - another Federal Holiday passed into law by
Democrats who seem to find the word "work" unpalatable. Today, with Dr. King deceased, and the moral hypocrites Jesse
Jackson and Al Sharpton having been exposed for adultery and flimflammery, respectively, many black Americans find
themselves under the mistaken impression that our nation is bereft of exceptional role models. How wrong they are!
And so with this in mind, I have decided to follow up my wildly successful 
