THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Last week I was proud to stand witness as my esteemed colleagues at the Department of Health & Human Services joined me in not allowing the pettiness that is so often associated with so-called "science" to get in the way of throwing a bone to a particularly rabid and volatile group of Republican voters. On behalf of militant anti-abortion folks, we staged a fabulous coup: legally classifying disadvantaged fetuses as "unborn children." Now some liberals are already bellyaching over this development, but the FBI and I decided that what with those ragheads using up all the anthrax that usually gets sent to abortion clinics, we had better start worrying about what those crazy right-to-life Catholics would try next. Let's face it: we've all got enough problems on our hands dealing with foreign religious lunatics without stirring up our own here at home. Besides, ours are better armed.

This decision to add nine months to the lives of children born to lazy, fat welfare queens will lay the groundwork for outlawing abortion. Now some of you may have heard rumors that I forced an old girlfriend to have an abortion, so I know what I'm talking about. Like I've said before - I'm no hypocrite. It was illegal when I had it done, so it oughtta be illegal for everyone else, too. Fair is fair.

Of course, it won't be illegal until we sweep a few more liberals out of the Supreme Court. Liberals like that baby-killing lezbo Ruth Bader-Ginsberg. (Laughter.) At the same time, by making funds from the Children's Health Insurance Program available to these globs of cells, we can significantly reduce the budget devoted to helping the Medicaid-collecting sluts collectively known as "women."

Today, I'm here to deliver a message directly to the intended beneficiaries of these actions: lazy welfare fetuses. Now I know many of you little folks will have a hard time hearing me through the thick, discolored membranes of your mother's crack-polluted womb. That's why I'll be speaking very slowly, and loudly, and using as many one-syllable words as I can - starting now:

Attention Unborn Children of the Colored Welfare Flavor! This is your President speaking. As you may have heard, I have recently used my Christ-like wisdom and power to see to it that you are already people - even though you are currently little more than peanut-sized gummi candies. As such, you will be happy to learn that once you are born, you will already be nine months old. And that means nine more months of everything. In your case, that's nine more months of living in scenic high-rise public housing that is brimming with majestic and free-roaming rodentia. Nine more months of pride-filled employment as a fast food restaurant janitor. Nine more months of feasting on the bounty resulting from my Faith-Based Economics Program. Nine more months of surviving amongst plentiful assault weapons. Nine more months of frolicking blissfully in the severe drug addiction that I know so well myself, and nine more months of "tough love" stiff mandatory sentencing by all-white juries of suburbanites - resulting in nine more months of luxury incarceration in a privatized correctional facility whose owners supported my candidacy. And finally, and most importantly, nine more months to reach reproductive maturity, become a lucky single teen parent, and continue this glorious cycle all over again.

Please, there's no need to thank me. I know that if your little arm buds were only long enough, you would be clapping thunderously right now. For that I am grateful. And so in closing, let me say that I speak for both the Republican party and the Christian Coalition, which is sort of like saying I'm speaking on behalf of Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy! (laughter) - when I tell you how eager we are for your eventual birth, and at some point after that (before which time we hopefully won't have to hear you complain too much about nonsense like "equality" and "civil rights"), your death.

Thank you.

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