THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. I want to talk to the good people of this country about the scourge of luscious and irresistible drugs which are so popular across this great Christian land of ours. As you know, the federal government's War on Drugs, conceived by Nancy Reagan and Miss Cleo in the spring of 1981, has for almost 21 years been a hugely successful means of spurring meteoric growth within the corrections industry - whose lobbyists keep both Laura and myself swimming in the finest 12 year-old Scotch this Texas redneck has ever funneled.

Today, wiping out Allah-loving towelheads is the one thing that all Americans can agree on. With this in mind, I will be tying every last issue in my domestic agenda to the fight against terrorism, no matter how absurdly unrelated they may be. Issues like drugs. (Applause.)

And so this morning, I'm proud to be standing here in front of a potent new weapon in the War on Drugs and Terrorism: The Black Teen Gulag. Based on a compelling new design concept inspired by Civil War field hospitals and the 20th Anniversary DVD of TRON, these compassionate new facilities will contain and punish America's #1 supporters of terrorism through drug use: impoverished, ghetto-dwelling black boys. Furthermore, I have asked the Congress for their swift and unquestioning approval of funds to erect hundreds of these exciting new penetentiaries in rural and overwhelmingly white communities from sea to shining sea, thereby creating thousands of prison guard jobs for America's most ignorant and sadistic high school dropouts. (Applause.)

Yes, with Attorney General Ashcroft and Drug Czar John Walters at my side, we're putting the incarceration of teen Africanic males back at the center of our national agenda. And that's why my new budget also asks the Congress for an additional $8 billion to identify, track, arrest and imprison the next generation of this detestable voting block - which consistently and overwhelmingly supports my political opponents. Because for this, they must pay. (Applause.)

But back to terrorism for a minute. You know, people ask me all the time, "George, as someone who was hand-picked by God to rule America, can you tell me how I can help fight against terror?" Well, the first thing you can do is contribute generously to my 2004 reelection fund. Secondly, you shouldn't purchase illegal drugs. At least not heroin or opium anyway - because then you're supporting the same Muslim loonies who charge top dollar for the primo petrol that's buried under those desert armpits they call countries. As for marijuana, cocaine, and ecstasy, which are produced almost entirely by domestic, allied South American, Dutch, and Israeli sources, you oughta stay away from them too. I should know. As a former heavy user of not only high-grade powder cocaine, but also pot, methamphetamine, BGH, nitrous oxide, and various modeling glues - I know only too well the damage that sweet, delicious drugs can almost do to a manufactured and undeserved political career. Of course, I was a little too old to catch the ecstasy love bug, but my daughters Jenna and Barbara have been kind enough to brief me on its deleterious effects.

I've also asked our Homeland Security Director, Tom Ridge, to examine ways we can improve our national border management system, to make sure we keep out Mexicans and Queen-worshipping Canadians, 45% of whom arrive with brick-sized parcels of hardcore drugs impacted deep inside their dirty foreigner rectums.

In closing, it is important for Americans to understand this: that the best way to affect supply is to reduce demand for drugs; that we can work as hard as we can on interdiction, but so long as there are black teens using drugs in this country, Al Qaeda sleeper cells can and will be building nukeyular bombs in a crackhouse near you. And so a central focus of my strategy, developed in conjunction with the William S. Bennet Foundation for Hypocrisy in Policy Making, is to reduce demand by rounding up these so-called "Blafrican Americans," locking them up, throwing away the key, and lastly - and compassionately - NOT giving the bastards the lethal injections they deserve. (Applause.)

Thank you - and God Bless.

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