MS. HUGHES: Good afternoon. Ladies and gentlemen of the liberal media, today's regularly scheduled press briefing has been cancelled in light of the incomprehensible public outrage over Press Secretary Ari Fleischer's recent 100% accurate assertion that former President Clinton is directly responsible for thousands and thousands of years of Middle Eastern faith-based carnage. Today, while Republicans everywhere quietly celebrate Mr. Fleischer's airing of this long-suppressed truth, President Bush himself is nevertheless livid that he has been politically embarassed by someone other than himself. And so this morning, our glorious Commander in Chief performed a strenuous punitive baptism on Mr. Fleischer inside the chorus pit of the National Cathedral, at which time the one and only true God absolved Ari of both his non-grievous transgression - and his prior Yahweh-loving Jewishness.

As you know, the President is an accomplished and prodigal baptism hobbyist, having been infused with the power of ultimate divinity during a particularly fruitful Narcotics Anonymous meeeting just prior to his 1994 election to the office of Texas Governor. Fortunately for all Americans, he wields his holy gift not unlike a great sacred rodeo lasso, with which he routinely hog-ties indolent White House cleaning staff and errant staffers in the chaffing rope of Christ's love, then proceeds to deposit blood-red jello shooters of righteousness into each penitent's trembling and gaping maw.

Before today, Mr. Fleischer's so-called Jewishness had exempted him from these sacred sessions which so many of us have come to know and love so well. Fortunately for all Americans, that oversight has been corrected, and we can all rest easy in the knowledge that Ari now walks hand in hand with the greatest Jew to ever live: Mr. Jesus Christ. While details are still sketchy, I'm told that the hastily arranged ceremony went smoothly, and that at its climax, when President Bush crashed his God-like palm down upon Mr. Fleischer's oily scalp, that the suddenly former Zionist grimaced widely as a veritable army of invisible Moses-worshipping demons swarmed from his bizarrely miniature ears. (Applause.)

And so while this administration has and always will embrace the fact that every last problem in the world can be traced to the supposedly benevolent activities of the semen hydrant William Jefferson Clinton, today we are pleased to use Mr. Fleischer as a scapegoat to sidestep a potential dip in Presidential approval ratings. As such, we formally disavow any shared former lines of thought of the newly saved press secretary. Furthermore, the President has asked me to stress to all Americans his utmost aversion to making analyses of the causes and effects of contemporary Middle Eastern bloodshed, which has absolutely positively NOTHING to do with the sticky, meddling fingers of wealthy Texas oil dynasties. (Applause.)

Mr. Fleischer will return to his regular lectern duties tomorrow morning. Thank you.

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