Nevertheless, the damage has been done, and so today, it falls upon this Administration to set things straight and
balance out this story. These tapes, in which the Reverend Billy Graham is rumored to have insinuated that Jews
control the media, is a complete fabrication designed to smear the pristine and virtuous reputation of Richard Milhous Nixon.
Furthermore, I know for a fact that Reverend Billy loves Jews... hell, they do his taxes. So why was this
left-wing conspiracy hatched in the first place? Simple: to deflect attention away from the real White House tape
controversy: Jimmy Carter's secret, post-coital Oval Office pillow talk with peace monger and then-Egyptian President Anwar
Sadat.
For the sake of both history and posterity, I am pleased to make an exception to Executive Order #13233,
and declassify the first of many transcripts of conversations which will further convince a majority of Americans that the
Democratic Party would love nothing more than to sell this country down the toilet for a stick of hash and a pocket full
of pagan Guatemalan Worry Dolls.
> Start Transcript <
CARTER: You want a peanut, my sweet Arabian prince?
SADAT: No, my supple Jimbo. I am content merely to enjoy your emaciated embrace.
CARTER: I have lusted in my heart... for you, my little camel hump.
SADAT: I suppose we should talk about peace in the Middle East?
CARTER: Do we have to, Annie? I mean, OPEC has stopped raising prices and the Jews are winning.
And that leaves me with plenty of time to tax Joe Q. Public into the poorhouse before our Soviet masters take us violently
from behind.
SADAT: What about the Iranians?
CARTER: Oh poo. Iran isn't a problem. Besides, those hostages are far too whiny. They give me a migraine.
SADAT: I could, you know, help a little with making peace.
CARTER: Why? It won't matter in the next election.
SADAT: I don't know. It would be nice though, don't you think?
CARTER: Look - it's not like the wellspring of Democratic cowardice and apathy originating within my Administration will embolden
a radical sect of Islamic fundamentalists secretly funded by Arab nations who feel threatened by the Western-backed State of
Israel. And it's not like decades down the road, these radicals will wage a holy war against the American homeland. I
mean, in another ten years, if I have my way, we'll be a communist paradise, where everyone will use flying cars
powered by peanut oil!
SADAT: Let me put it to you this way Jimmy: the Egyptian people are extremely pissed because the
Israelis are kicking our asses so hard, and if I don't at least TRY and make some peace, I'm afraid they'll go
all flaming falafel on me - and I'll be waking up in Tutankhmen's sarcophagus before the year is out. So you see,
I must do something.
CARTER: You know, I was at a cocaine orgy the other day with Gloria Steinem, and she was talking about how that Jesus
freak Billy Graham thinks the Jews are swell. HAR! Can you believe that? I thought everyone knew those Christ-killing,
blood-drinking devils run the media. Can we say "All in the Family"?
SADAT: Okay. How about this? Let's play the game Rosetta stone, papyrus, scimitar.
CARTER: You mean rock, paper, scissors?
SADAT: Whatever. If I win, I can make peace. If you win, you can let the region rot while I continue socializing
the United States.
CARTER: Deal.
SADAT: One... two... three...
CARTER: ROCK!
SADAT: PAPYRUS!
CARTER: DANG! Best two out of three!
SADAT: No sir. That is not how foreign diplomacy is conducted. I won. I will make peace and be glorified by my
people. Now... let me at those two fuzzy little Georgia peaches of yours!
CARTER: You nasty dirt monkey! Get over here!
(Giggling.)
> End Transcript <
White House Information:
THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Last week's release of allegedly authentic recordings featuring Billy Graham and
former President Nixon trading racist and ethnic slurs left me utterly disgusted. I am baffled
that so-called professionals in the liberal media would stoop to embrace such tabloid-style, transparently partisan tactics.
I look forward to the day when more of you emulate the legitimate, fair & balanced journalistic stylings
of FOX News, which showed tremendous objectivity and good judgment in completely ignoring these clearly fabricated historical
events.
