THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. I'd like to take this time to briefly go over the new sentencing guidelines for my administration's forthcoming nationalized capital punishment initiative.

As you all well know, of the many great things I did for the State of Texas, the one I am most proud of by far – besides politically trouncing that silver-haired lezbo Anne Richards for cracking jokes about my daddy - was the record number of compassionate executions I presided over. There's something really quite magical and God-like about signing a death sentence, and then later - sitting and listening to the phone ring for hours on end, and knowing it's some bleeding heart liberal public defender wanting to beg and blubber like a woman for a stay of execution until some mysteriously misplaced "DNA tests" show up again and "exhonerate" their client so he can go back out on the street and start collecting welfare again. To hell with that, I always said!

Anyway, I miss it. I miss the excitement. I miss the drama. And I really miss it when they throw the switch and the lights dim all over town! And that's why we're rolling out nationalized capital punishment as proof of this administration's "get tough on crime" mentality. You see, it's a statistical fact that killing crooks, especially uppity crack whores, retards, and insane folks, reduces crime - not to mention keeps property values stable in the very charming neighborhoods which some of my most generous corrections industry supporters call home. All that, and I get to throw the switch again.

Of course, I'm not talking about taking away the states' rights to kill whoever they see fit, too. No sir. I'm a Republican and a proponent of more states' rights – unless of course they're not towing the party line or are run by pansies like Grey Davis. I mean, look at that guy - he looks like a freakin' myna bird.

Furthermore, the guidelines I propose today will extend my administration's ability to condemn to death not only Al Qaeda operatives and random sketchy Arabiacs, but also all manner of homegrown radicals, mongoloids, and rabblerousing civil rights activists.

And so without further to-do, I am hereby declaring that each of the following crimes is now punishable by death in the immensely comfortable federal electric chair.

• Dating outside of your tax bracket.
• Selling drugs to innocent Caucasian children.
• Complaining about unemployment benefits.
• Refusing random FBI cavity searches.
• Failing to nominate conservative, pro-segregationist Southern judges.
• Complaining to the "Red Cross" about the "Geneva Convention."
• Complimenting the French Welfare State, and then not moving there.
• Threatening to become an informed voter.
• Blowing yourself up.
• Writing for dissenting, and vaguely mediocre, internet parodies.
• Drinking imported beer during the playing of the National Anthem.
• Preaching or agreeing with the public opinions of Alec Baldwin.
• Using a state-appointed lawyer.
• Espousing the innacurate belief that man evolved from monkeys.
• Smoking marijuana.

Thank you, and God Bless.

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