THE PRESIDENT: Everyone? Everyone, can I have your attention please? I want to thank you all for stopping by the break room for this intimate 10 minute farewell gathering for our good friend and formidable arm wrestling opponent, Miss Karen Hughes.

(Applause.)

As you know, Karen told me yesterday afternoon that she will be leaving her daily duties at the White House behind and be returning to Texas. I told her straight off, "Take me with you, baby! These Eastern intellectuals are giving me one hell of an ass-ache!"

(Laughter.)

But this morning, I thought it might be nice if we all got together and listened to several of the most important of us share our thoughts and memories about this wonderfully Republican lady. So to start things off, my lovely wife Laura would like to say a few words.

THE FIRST LADY: Thank you, Bushie. You know, Karen has been such a glorious and forceful presence here in the White House. I will miss the reassuring sound of her size-16 pumps in their purposeful stride down the White House hallways. Karen, honey, I never told you this, but there were so many nights when I was quietly having a little drinkie-winkie - or two - and would hear shoes on the carpeting. I would look up from my highball glass and wonder what the dickens those burly Secret Service agents were in such a rush about! Then, I would hear the telltale clomp-clomp of sensible heels on the marble and realize it was just you bringing everyone football scores. Oh, how I'm going to miss you, Hughesey!

PRESIDENT: Me too. It's sure as shootin' going to be hard to find another gal I can spend so much time with without Laura here having to worry about there being any of that crazy man-woman sexual attraction stuff going on - unless we call in Cheney's lesbo gal, Mary!

THE FIRST LADY: Bushie, now hush!

KAREN HUGHES: Mrs. Bush, I will always appreciate how you set me at ease about working so closely with your hubby. I remember that cold night in November in Austin when we were standing outside. You were wearing the most beautiful coat and looked just lovely in the lamplight. Your hair was so soft and brown. I went to assure you that you could trust me -- for reasons I was not able to disclose either then or now - and you put your fingers over my lips ever so gently to shush me. I was so touched by your thoughtful gesture. I was trembling.

THE FIRST LADY: You sure were! As I recall, you fell into me. But I wasn't born yesterday. I knew I had nothing to fear. After I pried your lips off of mine, I told you, "That's the one nice thing about marrying a man who was a cheerleader: in addition to the pep, you never have to worry about him looking twice at a woman."

KAREN HUGHES: I want to thank all of you for being here.

PRESIDENT: I'm sorry it's just the three of us, but, well, no one else really liked you all that much.

THE FIRST LADY: Bushie, what a thing to say! Well, Karen, I like you and think you are wonderful! No matter what all those meanies down the hall say. Oh, that reminds me - Karl Rove asked me to read you this keepsake Hallmark card aloud:

MR. KARL ROVE: Karen, you and I have worked together under President Bush for the last sixteen months. During that time, you have openly voiced your disagreement with my opinions exactly 247 times. Of course, in previous Republican administrations, policy visionaries such as myself never worried about being humiliated by bossy, full-bosomed androgynes such as yourself. Nevertheless, I have grown chafingly accustomed to your company, and I want you to know that your absence here will not go unnoticed by myself. Goodbye.

PRESIDENT: Well, heart-tugging farewell card or not, I got to tell you, little lady, I ain't going to forgive him for running you out of town like this! It really chaps my -

THE FIRST LADY: Ah, Bushie, honey, that all is entré nous.

PRESIDENT: On the news? Damn! Is CNN carrying the firing? I thought it was a secret!

FIRST LADY: No, Bushie, it's just ours - and Fox News' - little secret. So, Karen, honey, what reason are you giving everyone for giving up the best job you will ever have to move back to the dusty prairie to clip coupons in oversize housecoats?

KAREN HUGHES: Well, the press was told that I am leaving because my son wants to go back to Texas.

FIRST LADY: Oh, dear me! Who writes this stuff? (LAUGHING)

PRESIDENT: Karl said it would sound good.

FIRST LADY: Well, it sounds pretty doggone stupid to me. I mean, I wouldn't leave a party for Jenna or, uh, her-sister's-name, so how is anyone to believe that Karen would leave a city and a job for some crying child? Honestly, no one is going to buy that crap. I wouldn't.

PRESIDENT: Well, it's too darn late now.

FIRST LADY: The only reason a woman leaves a job willingly is for a better job - or, in my case, to snag herself a wealthy man. You should have had Ari tell the press Karen's husband is cheating on her and she has to leave this time-consuming job to trail him if she is ever going to find out who the little tramp is. That would shore up the women's vote in a heartbeat.

PRESIDENT: Bull crap.

FIRST LADY: That is a fine example of a woman taking steps to protect her self interests.

PRESIDENT: We aren't issuing no statement saying she left to stalk her goddamned husband, woman!

FIRST LADY: You listen to me!

PRESIDENT: I ain't listening to your horse crap.

KAREN HUGHES: Ah, I'm just going to slip out. I think I heard my cab.

PRESIDENT: Leave the cake.

FIRST LADY: It is better for that poor homely thing to be seen as trying to keep her marriage together than caving into some whining, spoiled little brat who doesn't like the $11,000-a-year DC private school she has him enrolled in!

PRESIDENT: I told you woman, it's too late.

FIRST LADY: Well, at least make sure she takes the blame for telling everyone the most important thing in the world was finding Osama bin Laden!

PRESIDENT: Oh, holy mackerel! There is a whole list of crap she's taking the fall for. Why the hell do you think she's leaving? Whatever. She's already gone, and it's nap time. Let's go back upstairs.

[END TRANSCRIPT]

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