Dear Citizens of Northern Ireland. As I speak to you from Washington DC, it is already early evening
in Belfast, and so I'll keep my remarks brief, because I know that all you people have plans to get blind drunk on that
lousy whiskey you make, do a little jig to some girlie folk music, then start kicking out each other's
crooked, nasty choppers before going to bed and resting up to do it all over again tomorrow.
Yesterday, British Prime Minister Tony Blair asked for my permission to suspend your government effective immediately. I told
him "sure thing, that sounds like fun." Later, when I asked him why, I was plenty surprised to hear that even though we're busy
cooking up a war against that Arabiac SOB who tried to kill my daddy, that you people are still hung up and squabbling about
this whole Protestants vs. Catholics thing.
Now speaking as someone who grew up downwind of Mexico, I know how it's the most natural thing in the world to despise and want
to murder anyone who isn't just like you. And that goes double or triple for people who believe in a version of Jesus that is
wrong. Hell, I can't tell you how hard it was for me, as a God-fearing Baptist, to
visit the Vatican back in May and listen to that disgusting Mary-worshipping troll
they call the "Pope" mumble on about Jesus Christ like he had the faintest idea what he was talking about. But you know what? I
said to myself, there's a war against terrorism going on, and even though I know this little albino child-molesting freak is
going to burn in hell for worshipping Jesus the wrong way, I'm going keep my violent impulse to set him ablaze in check, because the fact
of the matter is that it's the Muslamoids who are Public Enemy #1 to all freedom-loving white people right now. Once I
take care of them, I can get back to hating old John Paul II whenever I feel like it.
And so I want to stress to all the Northern Irelandians out there - you need to start making like me, and taking all that
religious-based hatred that you would normally use to blow up innocent blue-eyed children on their way to school, and refocus it
for the time being on the Islamiacs! Now I know you don't have many of them around where you live, which is why I've told Tony
to set up some big billboards with pictures of mosques and Saddam bin Laden on them, and then you folks can throw your
molotov cocktails at them to your hearts content. And then before you know it, you'll have your little government back! Sounds
simple, right? Well it is.
I look forward to watching the North Irishlanders make proud and leprechaunish strides towards reclaiming the absurd illusion that
they have ever or will ever emerge from the pungent shadow of Her Majesty's petticoats and into the bright sunlight of independence.
Thank you, and God Bless America.
White House Information:
THE PRESIDENT: Please be seated. My speech this afternoon is directed to the North Irishers: also known as the terrorists who
ought to consider themselves lucky that my distant cousin Queen Elizabeth is nice enough to let them squat on her corner of that
worthless island where my old party buddy John DeLorean used to build cars.
