JOINT STATEMENT BY PRESIDENTS BUSH AND HESTON DECLARING AMERICA SAFE AGAIN FOR RECREATIONAL ASSAULT RIFLE STRAFING
Statement by the Presidents
THE USA PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. As you know, late last week saw the apprehension and arrest of two colored muslamoids
who had been gunning down innocent Christians all around Washington DC. As a result, plenty of ignorant liberals have been
bellyaching some garbage about how guns can hurt people. Even worse, suddenly it's taboo to be brandishing
your heavy artillery at the local playground. Well today, now that 100 hours have now passed since the successful
deactivation of this mobile Al Qaeda cell, I am pleased to assure Americans that it is now kosher to bust out
your personal hand cannons and squeeze off a swarm of lead-tipped skeeters in whatever direction your
rage-fueled heart desires.
THE NRA PRESIDENT: Amen! Lock and load, brothers!
THE USA PRESIDENT: My administration has been a tireless defender of the Second Amendment to the Constitution, which states
quite unambiguously that the founding fathers clearly predicted a future in which the definition of "arms" would stretch well
beyond five-foot-long black powder muskets capable of firing one round every three minutes, and most definitely include easily
concealable, fully-automatic mini-howitzers that can lay waste to a whole arena full of worthless peacenik flower people in
seconds flat.
THE NRA PRESIDENT: Take my weapon? When you pry it from my cold, dead hands!
THE USA PRESIDENT: Furthermore, my administration - along with the National Rifle Association - is
on record as firmly believing that the Second Amendment is far more important than any silly little freedoms of so-called "speech"
or "fair trials."
THE NRA PRESIDENT: What's this button for?
THE USA PRESIDENT: That's the safety, Mr. Heston. Now as I was saying, we maintain that all Americans must have unfettered access to weapons of micro and medium destruction - whether they
be man or boy, college graduate or special ed dropout, lucid hatemonger or bloodthirsty Alzheimer's mongoloid.
THE NRA PRESIDENT: Who the hell are you?
THE USA PRESIDENT: I'm President Bush, Mr. Heston. The one you got elected. Now as I was saying, this White House is absolutely
confident that by doing everything we can to positively saturate our country with as many firearms as possible,
that it's logical to assume that everyone will be safer. I mean, you give a machine gun to a toddler girl, and hell
if any identically armed team of negro Islamiac snipers is gonna be able to harm her, right?
THE NRA PRESIDENT: What are you doing in my house?
THE USA PRESIDENT: This isn't your house, Mr. Heston. This is the White House.
THE NRA PRESIDENT: So you think you can just waltz in to my living room, take my gun, then anally probe me with the barrel?!
THE USA PRESIDENT: No sir! I was just saying how it's your right to be bristling with firepower - whatever your mental condition.
THE NRA PRESIDENT: You jack-booted federal thug! You're no better than your sissy skirt-wearing daddy! You know when he quit the NRA back in
1994, nothing made me happier than taking his membership card - and wiping my ass with it! Why don't you come over here and let
Uncle Moses show you how a real American proves he loves his country!
(Shots Fired)
THE USA PRESIDENT: Security!
THE NRA PRESIDENT: How do you like that?! And let that be a lesson to any other crystal chandeliers around here who were
planning on whispering insults about my mother!
(Secret Service Scuffling - Duct Tape Gag and Straightjacket Applied)
THE USA PRESIDENT: Ahem. And so in closing, let me reiterate once again that not only is recreational sniping back in fashion, but
that any and all Americans should promptly arm themselves to the teeth. Not only for their own personal safety, but for
the safety of the American public at large.
Thank you, and God Bless America.
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White House Information:
