THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. The death of Senator Paul Wellstone has saddened all of us here at the White House, so much so that yesterday I took my peanut-butter and jelly sandwich on two end-pieces of mournful pumpernickel.

I remember when I got the bad news like it was just a weekend ago. I was working off a surprise bout of morning headache-dry-mouthitis on my treadmill. Condi was signing treaties and bills and whatnot when Andy came in blubbering like a gown-wearing debutante who'd just been groped by a filthy-handed Puerto Rican garage mechanic. He told us that Senator Wellstone had died, and it was at that point that I asked Condi, “Was he for me or against me?”

I’m sad to say Senator Wellstone was against me. And not just a little bit against me - we're talking full-out Congressional nemesis here. As such, of course, there will no doubt be droves of screaming mimi conspiracy loonybird leftos out there saying that I assassinated Paul Wellstone. Well, I didn't. Not that the idea didn't come up in meetings a few times. But I swear to you today, on my reputation as a scrupulous businessman, that we were only joking - or at the very least, never got around to it. Besides, I didn't despise Wellstone half so much as I despise that dope-smoking, homo-loving, spiral dancing Vermont hippy Judas Jeffords.

Mind you, I don’t have anything against all these checks and balances and democratic process rigmarole thingamajigs. Like most entitled trust fund boys, I find that they actually help my bottom line every once in a blue moon. That said, some of these liberal Senators seem dead-set on trying to keep me from sheltering the quivering upper-middle class in my big, strong arms and shooing away all kinds of nasty bogeymen: like the brownies, Muslamics, faggots, Hollywood Marxists, and baby-killing Democrats who would love nothing more than to redistribute hard-earned ultra-wealth after the coming revolution. And that I will not permit – no matter what I have to do to prevent it.

Still, this is no time for partisan politics…if you’re a noble Republican. If you’re a Democrat though, you've got carte-blanche to stage a televised political circus instead of a memorial to a deceased America-hating Senator - AND start flapping your pieholes about tax-and-spend Walter Mondale carrying on the anti-strength, pro-terrorist tradition of old Jimbo “The Euro Peace-Freak Centerfold” Carter!

(Sighs.)

In closing – it is my most sincere hope that in the final moments of his life, as his Raytheon turbo-prop plummeted towards a remote wooded glen, that Paul Wellstone had both the time and presence of mind to beg Jesus Christ's forgiveness for a lifetime of tirelessly promoting satanic liberal ideals like equal rights, environmentalism, family planning, selfless public service, pacifism, interracial marriage, and free speech - to name a few. If he was convincing enough, I'll betcha the Good Lord might have cut him some slack. As for all the other people on that plane, I sincerely doubt it.

And now, a moment of respectful, non-political silence.

(Pssst – vote Republican!)

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