THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. As you know, several days ago my administration amended the charter of an important advisory committee to the Department of Health and Human Services to extend the definition of "human subjects" to include human embryos and used condoms. Our policy on this matter extends from irrefutable scientific proof that the building blocks of life are Republican – and only bifurcate into lesser beings on contact with immorality.

Today, I wanted to follow up on this small, yet hugely significant legal dent in Roe vs. Wade with a several more important protections for all of America's womb boogers and man jelly. They are as follows:

1. Henceforth, in the immediate aftermath of unprotected intercourse, women are required to defer to the opinions of the sperm in all matters relating to health
2. Per the National Rifle Association's suggestion, both embryos and used condoms are now eligible to receive permits to carry concealed submachine guns of self-defense
3. In order to protect America's subjugated population of gonad swimmers, all teenaged boys who commit the illegal sin of masturbation are required to ejaculate into baby food jars, Ziplock® Baggies™, Saran® Wrap, or Reynolds® Aluminum Foil, then pack said liquid humans into dry ice and promptly FedEx® them to the National Sperm Bank. Containers must be clearly labeled to include information on:
   • Race
   • Family medical history
   • Political leanings*
   • Sexual orientation*
4. Inasmuch as all sentient, totally alive zygotes must cannibalize uterine lining in order to survive, all pre-menopausal females are hereby directed to stockpile these essential foodstuffs through the compulsory use of menstrual cups
5. We will immediately institute new training procedures for the upcoming 2010 Census. Temporary, hourly workers will be authorized to pry open and enter the vaginas of all American females to exhaustively search for the presence of citizens so that no "human" (as defined by our conservative Christian constituency) is left uncounted.

This concludes my remarks. No questions, please.

Thank you, and God Bless America.

* NOTE: Microscopic ejacluate humans not conforming to administration policies may be destroyed in order to prevent the birth of the Antichrist.

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