THE PRESIDENT: Good morning gentlemen!

        (THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE.)

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you! Good morning!

        (RHYTHMIC CHANTS OF "G-O-P!, G-O-P!")

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you! Thank you my brothers in Jesus Christ! Please be seated!

        (CELEBRATORY GUNFIRE.)

THE PRESIDENT: This morning, after our amazing advances in the midterm elections yesterday, I wanted to say a few words:

JOCKS WIN! NERDS LOSE! BOO-YA! 100% of America is down with the GOP - and as for any handful of tweed-wearing Democrat Marxist fuckwads out there - if they know what's good for them, their tax returns, and their retard children's worthless futures, they'd better start showing us some serious make-believe respectitude starting YESTERDAY!

        (RAUCOUS HOOTS.)

THE PRESIDENT: Now please bear with me, because I'm still buzzing a little from that case of Buckler^TM non-alcoholic brewskies I shotgunned last night while celebrating our phenomenal smackdown of that lousy Jackass Party. Somewhere around the bottom of bottle 21, it occurred to me - "PRAYER WORKS!" - and if Jesus loves you - you can't lose! But man, if he hates you - you must be a registered Democrat!

        (WILD CHEERS.)

THE PRESIDENT: I understand a couple of Democrats will still be allowed into Washington's Federal District though - to shine shoes, hang out with the degenerate homeless they love so goddamned much, and to stir up those big pots of Senate Navy Bean Soup. But otherwise, welcome to Six Confederate Flags Over the US of A - only true paranoid Whiteys and assorted token coloreds admitted!

        (REBEL YELLS.)

THE PRESIDENT: Before going on, let me just say - from the bottom of my entitled little heart - I couldn't have done it without Democratic National Chairman Terry McAuliffe. He did his patriotic duty and dropped the ball. I mean, Terry couldn't have been any more irrelevanter if he tried. The way he was too chickenshit to accept and utilize Bill Clinton as the hugely beloved salvation of his party - it was just beauteous. Terry filled the ballots with so many watered-down Republican businessmen, ineffectual State bureaucrats, and has-been blasts from pasts - it was as if Karl Rove was running their national campaign AND ours!

Here's to Terry! We wish him a long and strategy-consistent tenure! (Raises glass)

        (UNPROMPTED EXECUTION OF "THE WAVE.")

THE PRESIDENT: But in the end, it was a frightened minority of backward honkys who got out the vote and seized back the House and Senate. And that's why now, I've got a green light to resume ignorantly flaunting power like a drunk, persecuted adolescent with an fully-loaded UZI. Lots of folks are wondering what I'm going to do. Will I cut taxes for CEOs and look the other way when they dump their untaxed perks in foreign tax shelters? You betcha! And while I'm at it: I'll continue to convince fat middle-class soccer dads that they have the same tax burden as us super-rich guys who run the GOP!

Here's to easily deluded, piss-ignorant Midwesterners! (Raises glass)

        (POUNDING FEET.)

THE PRESIDENT: I also wanted to take a minute to thank Tom Daschle. I know losing hurts. Well, I don't really know that first hand. But that's what I hear. I'm sure it's going to really suck being Minority Leader again, Tom, but I wanted to say thanks in advance to you and your rag-tag tambourine & patchouli caravan of ballerina boys for having the common sense to know what's good for you, and start marching in line with the New Vision for this 226 year-old robber baron piggy bank masquerading as a democracy.

Here's to Tom! (Raises glass)

        (BOOS & NC-17 CATCALLS.)

THE PRESIDENT: Awww, come on now. That was just a little bit of my fabled bipartisanianism. It doesn't really mean anything. You think I'd ever give that little pussy a compliment that wasn't dripping in sarcasm?

        (LAUGHTER.)

THE PRESIDENT: And so now, my brothers, while the Sodomites lick their wounds - and God only knows what else - we need to get down to business exploiting our newfound absolute and total power. Because like I said: there's a New Vision in town. One that knows the future is full of clichéd thunderclouds and penny-ante dictators whose single dirty bombs threaten our paltry collection of 12,000 intercontinental ballistic missiles. A future where chain-smoking alcoholic high school dropouts are armed to the teeth, and where America righteously flips the bird to the rest of the world. A future where freedom finds its necessary limits, and where slutty cocktease teens who were just asking for their daddys to knock them up must carry their octopus babies to term! That's the GOP's future - and that future is NOW!

        (SPONTANEOUS GROUP ORGASM.)

Thank you, and God Bless Republican America!

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