THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. It is with borderline contempt and great apathy that I interrupt my important Presidential duties to congratulate Nancy Pelosi, Congresswoman of that left coast, dope-smoking, homo Rice-a-Roni nirvana San Fransissyco, for becoming the first Botox-addled broad to lead a political party further into the depths of self-inflicted oblivion.

Welcome to the Capitol Hill Boys Club, Nance. Now sure, I know you've been around Washington awhile already, but this is when it starts getting real. I suggest you stuff those Victoria's Secret granny panties of yours with some vegan falafel balls, because you're gonna need a pair, toots. I'm not being a female hater here, not by any stretch. I think babes are an important part of dinner, sewing pants, and squirting out Jesus-loving tykes who look more like their daddy.

Nance, I want you to know that I'm a realist - like any good Republican - and the truth of the matter is this: the fruit cocktails in the Democratic party think the future is one huge, granola-crunching Hands Across Amerca-style orgy where society makes sure everyone gets a fair shake. But the realitism for non-Republicans is more truthworthy: the future is gonna suck like a greedy Castro District Drag Queen who sold its food stamps for crack rock.

Like most white men in power, I'm a Baby Boomer. I was born into a world where folks knew their place, where spoiled coloreds were afraid to bitch and moan, and Oxford-educated Jewish intern bangers weren't trying to turn the US of A into a one big sloppy group hug. Later, while you and your "types" were burning bras full of embryos and giving BJ's to the Vietcong, I was fighting a WAR in SOUTHEAST ASIA by occasionally flying an obsolete jet high above TEXAS! And while you were huffing gravity bongs of Thai stick, I was guzzling all-American beers - just like John Wayne.

But now - the world I was born into is coming back! Things are getting back to normal, and by normal I mean the opulently well-to-do blue bloods are back in charge - footloose and fancy free. The future is now, and we're keeping it that way. Catch my drift, Joni Mitchell?

You see, the world is full of angry, non-benevolent Mexicans and Muslim-like Comanche - and either you're outside The Alamo, or you're inside. And I'm sorry to say that right now lady - you, your party, the entirety of Hollywood (except The Terminator), all of Europe, and every single treasonous, non-Republican voting "citizen" are outside the fortress.

Want in? I thought you might.

Then you've got to agree with some of the important tenants of the Grand Old Party. For instance, we're the party of small, more effective government… less SEC, FDA, and all those other boring-ass bureaucrat wet dreams that keep executives from preying upon the retirement funds of their employees. Don't get me started on Federal Unions either - but let's just say the future Phillip Morris Presents Smith & Wesson's Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms will take care of those communist gang-bangs.

And don't be all "ironical" about the creation of Constitutionally suspect and intrusive Federal agencies that will eviscerate the privacy of all Americans not currently in my Rolodex. This is an example of GOOD big government. Got it?

We also value the rights of the individual over the rights of the State… unless you're brown skinned (deep, Miami queer tans count), a dissenting, ungrateful loudmouth, or aren't wastefully abusing your credit card purchasing soothing baubles manufactured by our glorious Corporate Fathers.

Next, if the so-called lower class can't get off their duffs to get some thankless service job that will hardly cover rent and cup-o-noodles, then they had better find Christ. Because if you love Jesus - be you Jew, Dot Head, Chinky Fat Boy Lover, or whatever - you'll get a bowl of hot ketchup soup and a tough love lecture by a pious oldster who secretly thinks you're a deep-cover terrorist parasite. According to our numbers, there's a 85% chance of that, you know that smarty-hose?

And lastly, Republicans believe that America should always be strong. Not weak. You Democrats want America to be weak. It's just that simple. GOP = USA STRONG! Donkey Faces = America With a Ravaged & Bleeding Pooper!

It's too bad you're not more like your daughter Alexandra, sweetcheeks. That dreamy little media heifer and her HBO love letter "Journeys With George" is gonna win me the Presidentery in 2004 AND 2008. I wonder if she knows you almost probably thought about sacrificing her with a coat hanger to appease your pagan god Baallah in a Studio 54 unisex bathroom - the very same snake-pit of hedonism that invented AIDS.

So watch your back, Nance. Tom DeLay and the entire Department of Homeland Security will. And that's a good thing. I trust you'll work on cultivating the one positive quality of your predecessor "Ladybrows" Gephardt - the uncanny ability to turn into a little yes-man pile of ectoplasm whenever non-eunuchs enter the room.

Now if you'll excuse me Nance, I gotta get back to a FoxNews editorial meeting - seems a couple of totally wasted Paki taxi-drivers in Cincinnati have made the mistake of making fun of General Tom Ridge. Them Moozlums are gonna do wonders for my Paranoia Index.

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