THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Earlier this week, Senator Tom "Weak on Terror" Daschle leveled an empty, slanderous accusation against one of our nation's greatest patriots when he stated that Rush Limbaugh, when rightfully training his fair and balanced, non-shrill ideological crosshairs directly on Senator Daschle's sternum, is somehow responsible for an increase in threats to the Senator's family.

Of course this is nonsense. Everyone knows that the only mass media capable of influencing the behavior of decent, upstanding NASCAR fans is homosexual propaganda like The Teletubbies and 60 Minutes. Nevertheless, in the interest of appearing to be concerned about Senator Jellyfish's health and welfare, I wanted to provide Rush's "army of dittoheads" with a friendly refresher on the finer points of political discourse in George W. Bush's America.

DO'S AND DONT'S OF DITTOHEAD DISCOURSE

1. In the future, when dismembering Senator Daschle in effigy on the Capitol steps, please dispense with the tradition of defecating in the Senator's severed head.

2. Understand that when Rush calls Senator Daschle an "obstructionist," he is not necessarily alluding to the fact that the Senator is a card-carrying Communist intent on seizing your guns and bending you over the hood of your banned SUV to sodomize you while reading aloud from the Qur'an.

3. Effective immediately, please consider refraining from calling Senator Daschle a "spineless fucking traitor who deserves to die a slow, agonizing death" in the presence of children aged 7 and under.

4. Going forward, when burning crosses on Senator Daschle's lawn, please do not litter match stubs.

5. Please discontinue the practice of using Senator Daschle's photograph for assault weapon target practice. Illustrations of Senator Daschle are equally effective.

6. When leaving highly detailed and gruesome death threats on Senator Daschle's answering machine from Interstate truck stops, please make it a point to clearly state "only joshin' witcha!" before hanging up.

7. When signing up Senator Daschle (tom.daschle@senate.gov) to receive child and bestiality pornography via e-mail, please show him the courtesy of checking the "keep my information private" box.

8. When poisoning Senator Daschle's pets late at night, reaffirm your patriotism by using only high-grade, domestically produced strychnine.

9. And finally, in future elections, rather than outright hoodwinking nigras out of voting entirely, consider passing out GOP-branded bottles of Moët with labels outlining Senator Daschle's policy of mandatory abortions for hard-working darkies.

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