THE PRESIDENT: Good evening, or is it good morning? I don't really know or care, but I'll bet you press boys are pretty surprised to see me up this late, huh? Well you shouldn't be - because contrary to liberal slander, I do NOT snork down eight or nine 175mg easy-swallow Halcyon caplets every night as soon as credits start rolling on the 8:30 Hee-Haw. Fact is, most nights find me and Pickles up until at least 1 AM, enjoying each other's warm company and cool libations from totally opposite ends of the family quarters.

We're now a few days into December, which I just learned on FOX NEWS is National Drunk and Drugged Driving Prevention Month. Well, inasmuch as both Laura and I are authorities on kickin' back the road sodas and makin' a little mischief, I initially figured we'd throw irony to the wind and just bury a little proclamation on our interweb thingamajig. But as the evening wore on, and the Cuervo flowed smoother, I decided to wake you sons a bitches up and have a little impromtutu, 100% honest talk-atcha-sesh.

You know, they say that drunk and drugged driving threatens the safety of millions of Americans. But really, is it so bad? Is having a few in you while you're driving any worse than talking on your cell phone, fiddling with the radio, or gettin' a toothy hummer from your jewelry-hungry, ex-teacher wife? If you ask me, I'd much rather have my chauffeur lit up with a whisky or two than have him be forced to listen to one of those whiny Democrat bitches from M.A.D.D. yammering on and on and on about how her stupid baby got smooshka'ed by some poor guy who just made an innocent little mistake.

They also say that drunk driving accidents take a life every 30 minutes. Well I know for a fact that that's a bunch of bull. I mean, after Laura sucked down all those margaritas, hopped in her car and mowed down her worthless non-oil-rich boyfriend Mike Douglas back in 1963, I'll be damned if there was another premeditated vehicular murder like that in Midland for at least 30 days - let alone 30 minutes.

Finally, we've got crybaby leftists moaning about how we must work together to educate our communities about the "seriousness" of this offense - and "raise awareness" of its "devastating consequences." Something tells me those folks must be talking about colored boys driving El Caminos, because in my experience, a little DWI conviction never did anything bad to your average blue-blooded, trustafarian heir to the throne:

Ain't life in a dynasty grand!

Thank you, and good night nurse.

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