THE PRESIDENT: Good evening. Thank you for coming. Tonight, it is my pleasure to usher in a proud new government tradition - the lighting of the official White House lawn manger. In doing so, we dispense with the almost hopelessly secularized "Christmas Tree," and restore Jesus Christ Himself to a rightful place of government-endorsed prominence. Besides, God is my co-pilot, and as such, it simply wouldn't be neighborly of me not to let his boy camp out on my yard for a few weeks.

Laura and I had hoped to introduce this tradition last year during our first Christmas in the White House. Sadly, we were unable to do so due to security concerns. But Americans should know that in the months that passed, their First Lady was tireless in her scouring of Wal-Marts and Home Depots all across Western Texas to find a durable life-sized molded polyvinyl manger scene which passed Secret Service muster. This is that masterpiece, and with security so tight this year at the White House, I can guaran-damn-tee you that these frozen plastic Wise Men are as close as any towel-head is going to get to Laura's famous Canadian Club eggnog.

(Applause.)

With the lighting of the National Manger Scene, we observe one of the great traditions of the Republican Party - liberating Americans from the shackles of the Constitution - and throughout the Christmas season, we shall recall that Jesus' love can radiate even from a hollow, Chinese-made, machine-painted lawn statuette - unless of course you're an Allah-lover, Moses-hugger, Buddha-slave, or any other inherently false religion that guarantees you a seat in the devil's eternal jacuzzi of molten rock and abortion doctor blood.

Many of you were deeply touched to hear me recite a portion of Psalm 23 in my address to this great nation in the dark hours following the terrorist attacks. You were encouraged and comforted to know that we truly have a believer working for us in our nation's highest office. And while I can't restore prayer in school without appointing another Clarence Thomas or two, I figured this manger scene here would be a good place to start.

This season, our entire nation is thinking of the men and women in the military, many of whom will spend this Christmas at posts far from home. They stand between Americans and a media mosh pit of "grave danger." They serve in the cause of maintaining Presidential approval ratings and avenging my personal vendetta against Saddam Hussein. They wear the uniform proudly, and though I myself evaded wartime service and was AWOL for months at a time, I nevertheless take pride in setting aside my own hypocrisy to send America's sons and daughters to die to preserve the bank accounts of my most important constituents: the bonesmen.

Laura and I wish every American family a very merry Jesus' Birthday. And now we have the honor of lighting the National Manger Scene. And joining us we've got two new friends, Reverend Pat Robertson and Mr. Robert Novak, to help us throw the switch.

Now, if everybody -- you all step up here -- (laughter) -- get ready -- please join us in the countdown: Ten, nine, eight...

I tell you, I am getting the warmest feeling right now. I recall all those countless times as Governor of the Great State of Texas when I ordereded the switch thrown on death-row criminals right after I had gotten down my cocktail party imitation of their whimpering pleas for clemency.

Seven, six, five, four...

Of course, this switch will use electricity to light up these colored people, too. But, regrettably, tonight is not about killing sand people. We've got all next year - and leading up to the election -- to do that.

Three, two, ONE!

(Applause.)

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