TRANSCRIPT OF LATE NIGHT TELEPHONE CONVERSATION BETWEEN PRESIDENT BUSH & NORTH KOREAN LEADER KIM JONG IL
Official Presidential Transcript
[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]
THE PRESIDENT: This is the President. It's 9:45 PM. Do you realize you're calling after bedtime? Please identify yourself.
KIM JONG IL: (Giggling and snickering. The banging of pots.)
THE PRESIDENT: Who is this?
KIM JONG IL: Clin-ton? (More banging of pots)
THE PRESIDENT: No. Not Clinton. This is President George W. Bush.
KIM JONG IL: NO! Clin-ton. (Girlish squealing)
THE PRESIDENT: Who the Sam Hill am I yakking with? This is the RED PHONE! It's for OFFICIAL TALKING ONLY!
KIM JONG IL: Truuuuu-man? (Sounds of large beast mewing in pain)
THE PRESIDENT: Don't make me angry, you hear?
KIM JONG IL: Is your aircraft (chuckling ) carriers running?
THE PRESIDENT: Of course! The entire navy fleet is up and running.
KIM JONG IL: BETTER CATCH AIRCRAFT CARRIERS BEFORE GETTING AWAY! (Thunderous laughter and applause.)
THE PRESIDENT: Whoever this is, you had better reveal yourself NOW!
KIM JONG IL: Don't cry, round-eye. It is I, glorious huggable dear, dear leader Kim Jong Il! Love me, baby!
THE PRESIDENT: What do you want?
KIM JONG IL: Me and my entourage of bodyguards, twelve-year old virgins, and inbred yes-men were drinking much soju, torturing
genitals of political dissenters, and we want to call and thank you for returning missiles to nice desert peoples in
Yemen. We love the Yemenos and we know you do too, but for different reasons of course.
THE PRESIDENT: Ummm... Yes?
KIM JONG IL: Also - we wondering. Why you no love us anymore, Boosh? Clin-ton - he so scared of us, he want to blow us up. But you - all
you want is attack Saddam. Boosh like a nervous boy on wedding night - when time comes to perform, he
erupt rice milk all over himself before removing pants - make wifey cry because if she make no baby she die. Boosh pick on one so much weaker, when Saddam is only danger to himself. But me,
Kim Jong Il! I have enormous love tentacle! I am formidable! Attack me, Boosh!
THE PRESIDENT: We hope that with diplomacy, an attack will not be necessary. Like most of Asia, we believe in slapping you two Koreas
back together - and also all that other stuff Colin and Condi talked to you about.
KIM JONG IL: Peace bad for business, small fry. You know that. So complicated you white devils. We will continue building nukes,
smallpox bombs, poison ninja monkeys. And we will sell them to everyone until you come and finish what Tru-man started.
THE PRESIDENT: Um. Well… you see… the numbers… the polls… I don't think… But you know, I do love that Kung Pao Chicken!
KIM JONG IL: Give us money. Discover Platinum cards! Or we kill you all.
THE PRESIDENT: Yeah. Actually, funny you should call… because we're like, embargoizing you guys and…
KIM JONG IL: Also: give us Xbox. And Showtime Rotisserie and Sean Penn. Dead Man Walking funny like South Korean
newborn smashed on sidewalk! (Much whooping and laughing). Are you listening?
THE PRESIDENT: Let me… let me get Colin… or Condi… or Laura or Rummy… Hold on…
KIM JONG IL: Oh! Oh! I got my little pinky on the nukey-nukey button!
THE PRESIDENT: NO!!!
KIM JONG IL: I want a bumblebee striped speedo, too. And baseball hat with beer cans on side. Send in via the Red Cross. We
call back later. War, not tonight. War - eventually, capitalist dog!
THE PRESIDENT: You're crazy!
KIM JONG IL: Crazy (giggle) is not (sputter) stupid. (Phone dead.)
THE PRESIDENT: KIM! KIM JONG IL! SLANT-EYED DICTATOR I TRIED TO CODDLE! I WILL GET YOU! (PROTRACTED SHRIEKING)
[END TRANSCRIPT]
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