THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. As you know, last evening saw former Vice President and tax junkie Al Gore appear on the liberal propaganda organ 60 Minutes to tell Lesby Stahl how he's too chicken to get another thousand-gallon Supreme Court colonic in 2004.

Today, while it may come as a surprise to many, I applaud Mr. Gore's decision to withdraw from presidential politics. Yes, it would have been satisfying to further avenge my father's massively humiliating 1992 defeat by once again almost beating Bill Clinton's chosen successor. Truth be told, I have a recurring dream where Al Gore and that raisin-faced gash Ann Richards team up in 2004, and not only do I whoop them, afterwards I get to drive them out to that little mudpit of a "canyon" on my ranch, soak 'em both in 98-octane unleaded, and have a nice little vendetta barbecue. I don't know what it is that Richards uses on that silver rat's nest she calls hair, but in my dreams it goes up in a byooteeful PURPLE flame!

But that dream is not to be, and for that I am glad. Because honestly, I'm a man who doesn't care much for reruns. Just ask Laura. Whether we're watching Highway to Heaven or Seventh Heaven, if it's one I've already seen, I turn to her and say, "Top off my drink, woman - and while you're at it, click on over to The 700 Club." And so it is with politics. For 2004, I'm confident that I'll enjoy myself much more when come November, I'm watching someone NEW chewing up juicy bites from the same sloppy joe shit sandwich I served Al Gore back in 2000.

So today, I am urging the Democratic National Committee to bring on the best tax-and-spend baby-killers they've got, because my boys Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity and Ann Coulter and Bill O'Reilly are primed and ready. Will it be eyebrow-pluckin' Dick Gephardt, or maybe "Economy Crybaby" Tom Daschle? I hope not. Too easy. Same goes for that homo-loving Vermonter Howie Dean. John Kerry? My daddy and I know a thing or two about mopping the floor with Massachusetts liberals who release big death row blackies from the slammer to go out and rape our pretty white girls. And Joe LIE-berman? Oh yeah, nothing's gonna swing my red states faster than a Jewish dwarf Yankee who won't so much as drive an SUV on Saturdays. As for Senator John Edwards, he's Southern, he's pretty, and he's smooth. Give us a couple months, and we'll find some snaggle-toothed white trash bimbo who says he porked her in the parking lot of Communist rally.

Thank you. No questions.

	» E-MAIL THIS PAGE TO A FELLOW REPUBLICAN «
Printing Help