THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. Today, nearly nine months after American F-16s killed four Canadian soldiers in an Afghanistan friendly fire incident, I wanted to take a minute out of my other, much more important duties to recite a few pre-prepared words of regret to the people of Canadia.

I know that you Canadians are upset over this incident, and I know that you feel strongly about it. And while I usually dismiss your complaints as the empty whining of a boring arctic wasteland with nothing better to do than fixate pathetically on the doings of its vastly more successful and important neighbor to the south, I know that this time, it behooves my administration to throw you people a little diplomatic bone if we want you to continue secretly giving John Ashcroft all those Arabiacs who think they're safe in the farce of your sovereignty.

Besides, you folks are nothing if not polite. Why, even after the British dumped you, making you the only nation on Earth so undesirable you didn't have to spill a drop of blood to gain pseudo-independence, you still keep plastering my limey cousin Queen Elizabeth all over your fruit loop bilingus money. I mean, that's so polite it it's downright girlish. Now that I think about it, Canada is not unlike your typical schoolyard wimp. You are smart, peaceful, inept at hockey, and have shitty taste in comedy. I guess it's that utter helplessness of yours that makes us Americans so willing to protect you (when we're not killing you, of course).

Finally, I know that there are some in Canadia who would attempt to make an issue of the fact that the American F-16 pilots in question were hopped up on dextroamphetamine. Well I want to assure all of you that these "Go pills" do NOT impair one's ability to fly. As a former pilot, I should know. Why, before I went AWOL from the National Guard back in 1972, I routinely flew with a nose full of high-grade crystal METHamphetamine, and I can honestly report that I completed countless highly dangerous missions protecting the Mexican border without causing the deaths of a single noteworthy person.

In closing, I want to thank you people again for understanding that this incident was an accident, and for waking up and listening to the little voice of reason in your collective frostbitten head that says "Hey, these are our only four military deaths since the 1950's. Thank goodness that Jesus Christ's United States sends its boys off to die in droves to protect the whole North American continent from the COUNTLESS vicious aggressors who would love nothing more than to sell every last Canuck woman into white slavery at the hands of Middle Eastern Muslamoids."

(Applause.)

Thank you. I speak for all Americans when I say we appreciate your understanding, and hope that your US Defense Department personal allotments of "Go pills" will not only compensate you for your loss, but also instill in you just an ounce of ambition.

(Applause.)

Thank you for your time, and God Bless America!

(Applause.)

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