THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. I'm sorry I couldn't be bothered to address you all in person. It's also unfortunate that none of my inner-circle could be present to address you either. It's not that we wouldn't touch you folks with a ten foot pole. But in a way, we won't. At least not on national television.

As you know, today marks exactly thirty years since a previous (LIBERAL) version of the U.S. Supreme Court caved in to Gloria Steinem's Uppity Broads Brigade and made it legal for non-rich teen sluts and raped joggers who were just asking for it to get painless abortions in clean hospitals instead of getting taught a good lesson by having some colored witch doctor jam a rusty fishing hook up their coochies. (Boos.)

Don't I know it! It's just sickening - the idea that a lowly woman should have an ounce of self-determination once she's got a hoo-hoo full of sacred man jelly! Well rest assured, my fellow born-again Christians, this Administration is determined to stuff the courts with like-minded judges whose tenures will reach far beyond my single term in office and who will work tirelessly to support the protections for human embryos and used rubbers you demanded in exchange for "donating" millions to my campaign! (Applause.)

And so today, I am pleased to announce that as part of the never-ending war effort, I have just signed legislation mandating that the two lovely and informative new posters you see before you (produced in cooperation with the good abortionist-killing folks at Operation Rescue) will be installed alongside the 10 Commandments in every public elementary school classroom in America. (Applause.)

I truly wish I was there at your annual march on the National Mall. It's always such a pleasure to gaze into your twisted faces, and I can only pray that the irrational hate stoked by the money-worshipping cabal of frosted-hair false idols known collectively as the Christian Right warms your black little hearts on this cold, cold winter's day. Because even as I insincerely try and convince you and the rest of America's Joe Hot Pockets that I give a shit about you and your lazy families, I also recognize that you are for life - sunbeams, butterflies, and warm sugar cookies. And I want you to know I will protect WHATEVER it is you people want to call "life." Just be sure to make the check out to "CASH."

Now, it might be awhile until our favorite wafer-eater Antonin gets the reins of the Supreme Court. Until then, we must work hard to propose alternatives to vacuuming Junior into a deep red mist. Alternatives such as Christian Indoctrination Work Camps for ghetto mutts, tax money for Nerf "safety" coat hangers, mind control drug-spiked menthol cigarettes, and prime-time broadcasts of the positive, life-affirming sitcom "Sparky, The Happy Goopy Uterus Tadpole." Because you know, unlike the arbitrary, uppity Negro population equalizer I like to call "The Death Penalty," abortion is an abhorrent procedure that offends human dignity.

Together, we will methodically and incrementally dismantle every so-called "advance" made over the past thirty years which have taken America's women further and further away from their rightful and Godly positions: barefoot, pregnant, and occasionally missionary. (Applause.)

Thank you, and God Bless America!

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