THE PRESIDENT: Thank you. Please be seated, gentlemen. It's a real honor to be back here at the Northrup Grumman "Black Ops" executive retreat. You boys can be proud of the fact that you are the lifeblood of America's #1 export: slaughter gizmos and kill widgets. And this year, I'm especially impressed with your fine work on the Daisy Cutter, which will soon not only be eviscerating Saddam Hussein, but also churning his filthy hordes of defenseless Muslamoid sand monkeys into Grade-A Blood & Guts Hummus.

(Laughter.)

Indeed. I also wanted to extend my personal thanks to whoever it was who had the brilliant idea to outfit those Predator Drones with little video cameras and high-powered loudspeakers. I can't tell you how much Laura and I have enjoyed watching the night-vision mission tapes from Afghanistan. We especially like the parts when the drones unleash the blizzard of 50 millimeter tracers on the Godless raghead villagers, and they all start scattering like desert blowflies on goat scat - all to the tune of the Benny Hill Show theme. Well some nights, me and Pickles get to laughing so hard, we have to call in Spot and Barney to lick up the soggy apron of half-chewed pretzels and sangria fruit off the good carpets around our matching twin beds.

Needless to say, we're looking forward to Iraq tapes.

(Applause.)

But this morning, I don't want to waste time talking about the foregone conclusion that is the New & Improved Iraq. No, I'm here to discuss what I'm confident is the #1 non-Democracy-oriented threat to the continued financial prospering of both my administration and you fine patriotic merchants of death. The threat is called PACIFISM - that deranged and lurid once-fringe philosophy first conceived as the centerpiece of the global homosexual agenda. Today, I'm sorry to report that not only is pacifism moving into the mainstream, it's also spreading faster than genital warts at a Skull & Bones gang-bang.

(Boos.)

Indeed. I know there's not a brother here who doesn't know how unpleasant that can be.

And so it is with pacifism. Tragically, we need only look to our Ivy League universities and non-Southern cities to observe the insidious influence of this twisted propaganda. Yes, the signs of the queerbait cult of peace are everywhere: thousands of traitors shedding clothes in broad daylight - shamelessly flaunting their pungent, disease-addled crotch giblets for all to see while mindlessly chanting terrorist slogans like "HEY HEY, HO HO, PERSONAL HYGEINE'S GOT TO GO!"

Furthermore, I'm told that in some blue states, husky-voiced brigades of militant colored diesel dykes have taken to violently running Cadillac Escalades off the road, then forcibly dragging their wholesome lady occupants by the hair to public parks, where they strip them naked at tonguepoint and force them to sully their white persons by lying on the ground to spell out America-hating slogans with their immaculte Christian bodies. Later, these sickening assaults are celebrated in tapestry-bedecked futon closets with ritualistic all-night orgies of deviant sex, Indigo Girls karaoke, and all manner of embarrassingly cheap and low quality drugs. Why, just thinking about it makes me want to puke the tears of God.

In short, our country is being overrun by perverts who don't know that America was founded by sheep who shut the hell up and let the men with guns do the damned thinking! Look - you Northrop Grumman executive boys manage dumb working class grunts who punch in, defend Christianity on the Hellfire Missile production line, and eat their French's mustard on Oscar Mayer bologna sandwiches. They want to earn a paycheck, go home, kiss their kids goodnight, and sleep easy knowing that their bosses (you) are making the world a better place for millionaires get richer. In other words, you're flexing your smart muscle - just like any guy who knows what's good for him.

Thing is - in my America, you're either for killing the bad guy or you are the bad guy. There's no wishy-washy middle ground. You know, Jesus may have once joked about turning the other cheek. But gents, you only have two cheeks - and rest assured that Big JC never meant for you to get your ass whooped! No sir. Long girly hair or not, Jesus wasn't no wussy peacenik. I should know, because he sits on my shoulder all day long and talks to me, saying heavy Jesus-like stuff like "George, if I wasn't busy whispering my divine plan directly into your brain stem, then hell, I'd be out in the street snapping those whining streaker hippy traitors' flimsy little chicken necks!"

In closing, I would ask you to brush up on your history, gentlemen. Rome fell because of an ancient version of the plague of pacifism. Remember, Ceasar was a good guy who helped out his pals and annihilated lesser uppity mud folk. But it was the greasy, back-stabbing homosexuals, along with the faggot-sympathizing, free-thinking artists who infected and destroyed his decent, righteously Christ-worshipping Empire.

Well, as I stand here today, I swear to you: America won't fall. And Northrop Grumman's profit margins won't fall, either. True, many bombs will fall, but they will make my approval ratings (and your defense contract renewals) soar like the mighty non-endangered eagle. And then your children, and my children, and all the children of those who were loyal to the one true America will grow up in a world where they will not fear anything. They'll instill it.

I guess what I'm getting at fellas - because I know everyone's getting antsy to get back to the nachos fountain - is you know how that injun troublemaker Ghandi was a pacifist? Well, he got his ass shot.

(Applause.)

I think we understand each other perfectly. Thank you, and good day.

(Applause.)

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