SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Good morning. I want to thank you FOX News gents for being on time. I realize that at this early hour, most reporters are still sweating the cheap rotgut whiskey they swill every evening like the nervous nitpickers they are. But not you boys – Tony Snow, Brit Hume, Sean, Greta, and you Mr. O'Reilly – I know you don't drink. At least not yet.

Drink makes a man soft. Am I right, Greta? During these difficult times – where on a daily basis I shriek with glee in the mirror, "Who's the Muthafuckin' Allah-Slayer Mack Daddy? Rummy, that's who!" – it is important to maintain sobriety, both physically and spiritually.

But don't you worry – we'll all be sipping Freedom Bubbly^TM from Iraqi scalp-festooned victory chalices any day now. In the meantime, it is vitally important that you noble patriots – in the grandest tradition of Thomas Paine but without all the anti-tyrant poppycock and individualistic babble – continue re-educating our emotionally hair-triggered populace.

Speaking on behalf of the Bush Administration, I can't tell you how nice it is to have a whole cable network operating as our megaphone. We're especially loving the new FOX News ad campaign: "Real Journalism." Brilliant tagline. Even better than "Increase Your Penis Length by 300% OVERNIGHT!" That idea's got your fingerprints all over it, Hannity!

Remember that the American people are a susceptible bunch of sexually frustrated, adolescently violent hysterical grandmothers. And it is to FOX News that this Administration looks to deliver its soothing video morphine drip to the people. And as per our agreement before the 2000 Election-Flavored Event and the completely accidental yet splendidly fortuitous Presidential photo-up that was 9/11 – you all and your future DNA pool will be provided for. We will prevail, and for the next thousand years, the United States of the World will tremble beneath our benevolent, media-savvy, jingo-whistling jackboot while we grind, grind, grind the gold coins out of their colored, malnourished bodies.

I realize that not a one of us here has ever actually seen the horrors of combat, put our lives in the hands of a buddy as bullets whiz by our noses – but that doesn't mean we can't contort with the delicious, quasi-ejaculatory release that battlefield victory provides. I know Colin Powell, who won't shut up for five minutes about his stint getting shot at by slant-eyed midgets, likes to mumble under this breath about the dangers of politically-craven, idealistic bookworms running an escalating land war in Asia against a surprisingly motivated populace resorting to guerilla tactics that encourage civilian casualties. But don't worry – because after that last atomic jockey twist, Colin's gonna be too busy picking his BVDs out of that already vice-tight asscrack of his. Guilt and doubt are for the weak and the middle class.

Suffice it to say, I called you here not to prematurely celebrate our inevitable victory – that will happen tomorrow – but to provide you with new "intelligence" for you to disseminate to the "information-hungry" home front like so many televisual security blankets.

Officially, the war is going exactly according to plan. My utterly non-flawed strategy will allow us to prevail. The outcome is assured. We will reign victorious. One day soon Americans will say, "We came, we saw, we kicked Iraq's least hungry non-civilian elite all over that dust-filled patchwork toilet of a European colonialist abortion!"

We have not been surprised by the simple psychological fact that ill-informed and abused people instinctively defend their homes from invading hordes. But once the mobile Taco Bell kiosks arrive, the Iraqi populace shall doubtless transform into a Western-style pasture of grazing, glassy-eyed moo-cows. Not the pretty polka-dot Holsteins of course – the other ones – the ugly brown ones.

Continue referring to "suicide bombers" as "homicide bombers." Remember that these acts of desperate war are war crimes. War itself, if we are waging it, is not a crime.

When reporting about anti-war protestors, refer to them as "the same old protestors" or "pro-terrorist GI Joe-haters" or "hippy asshole mobs."

Remember – Saddam is evil. The Republican Guard is evil. Everything that is not dripping in the President's pretzel-rich sputum is evil.

Parade the grieving families of American causalities before the cameras – what they lose in dignity, we gain in cheap, emotionally-charged propaganda.

And most importantly: I appreciate that FOX reporters are born-again warmongers. I respect it when the impotent know well enough to huddle under a flag – any old flag will do – and worship the missiles they paid for with the taxes they're itching to eliminate.

That kind of oxymoronic groupthink is double plus good!

Which is why debate or condemnation of our conduct in waging this war should be strangled in the crib. Ignore, mock, and re-write any attempts to communicate dissent.

Send a memo to all your affiliates to stay true to the five rules of journalism: Who, what, when, why, how. Who: America, the infallibly righteous. What: Saddam Hussein, who sprung fully-formed and evil, from the anus of Lucifer himself. When: We will finish punishing the Iraqasaurs when we're damn ready to finish and not a decade before. Why: Everyone but us is evil. How: With the might of the American military, and with the blood of common citizen soldiers whom I would normally avoid like the plague in public.

And that's a wrap. No questions. I'm late for brunch.

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