THE PRESIDENT: Good morning, people of Texraq. This is your superior white liberator speaking. Please discontinue your anarchic orgy of looting and burning for a few minutes in order to luxuriate in a rich sonic bath of my monosyllabic magnificence.

Today, I have selflessly freed you from the regime of Saddam Hussein and the burden of wealth management, and replaced them with my own velvety smooth iron grip of freedom. And while as such, it is really you all who should be thanking me for sending so many thousands of your friends and relatives to see that it's Jesus – not Allahammed – who's pushing the buttons in heaven, I nevertheless wanted to heap a few words of gratitude onto your humiliation-stooped backs.

First off, I want to thank you for coming around and accepting reality. That whole "pride" thing you had going in the early days of this crusade was not only momentarily embarrassing for me, it was permanently fatal for both you and the grandmothers you took potshots from behind. In the end, it was never my intention to exterminate all of you – just the ones who wouldn't accept the joy of liberty. We need the bulk of you to remain alive. I mean, who's gonna bus the tables at all the lavish US Corporate luncheons that will soon be sprouting up all over Baghdad? Sure, we could ship over some Mexicans – but using you people injects a certain regional flavor.

Secondly, I want to thank the statue-defacers among you. When we're handing out the Freedom PB&J's, we'll remember your opportunistic ass kissing. Watching you on the TV made Laura and me so proud to be the newly-ordained Emperor and Empress of the Arabiac World. The way you managed to stir up nearly 500 people in a city the size of Los Angeles, then cheer so telegenically as my Marines just happened to be tearing down the only Saddam statue in the shadow of the hotel where the Pentagon put all the TV reporters and their cameras. That was golden. Well done. Why, people here in the US have completely forgotten that we haven't even had time yet to plant, then "uncover" any of those nasty old weapons of mass destruction that my daddy gave Saddam in the first place!

Thirdly, a big shout-out to the flower hander-outers among you. The photos of you will look wonderful in my 2004 campaign literature, and my occupying force of leathernecks appreciates the gesture. Just don't make any sudden movements, or they'll crack open your skull so fast, your brains will look like a freakin' blizzard of extra-chunky babaganoush.

Fourthly, mad props to the sudden non-burning American flag wavers, and the throngs of weeping people who I personally thought were hysterical with love for me, but could have just been blubbering about their uncertain future, chaotic present, and miserable corpse-strewn past.

Going forward, as you celebrate your blood-drenched freedom by joyously frolicking in feces-contaminated drinking water, rest assured that America is with you for the long haul. Our armies of compassionate missionaries and CEO carpetbaggers are already en route, and look forward to long and financially lopsided relationships with your fun-to-conquer and increasingly Christian peoples.

You deserve to enjoy free colonialized lives, unthreatened by your neighbors Syria and Iran. And with the 2004 election still two years away – rest assured that at least one of those suckers is going down, too. Who the hell rules Syria anyway, Condi? al-Asad, you say? Have our people at FOX News get crackin' on a fair and balanced documentary about that piece of shit. But I digress.

In closing, I want you Iraqazoids to know that America will respect your great subterranean natural resources, whose abundance and flammability are essential to our conjoined future. We will install a government for you which appears representative, and that protects the rights and interests of members of my "Pioneer Club" campaign contributors, and that one decade soon, will dispense with the charade of not being a wholly-owned subsidiary of Arbusto Energy.

Soon, all Arabs will be able to drink Budweiser and Jack Daniels, stuff their mouths with slice after slice of delicious and vitamin-rich Wonder Bread, and dream of a time when their children, and thier children's children will happily transform into the morbidly obese, incontinent automatons of the Bush New World Order.

Thank you, and God Bless America.

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