JOHN ASHCROFT: Good afternoon, it's always a pleasure to return here to the supple, welcoming bosom of the Heritage Foundation – one of the few remaining places where righteous people like us, God's favorites, can chastely celebrate our nobly marauding Caucasian heritage in cold, sparklingly white rooms decorated with tasteful and derivative art highlighting Christian blandness.

(Applause.)

You know, rare's the day I receive such an ecstatic welcome. The way you throngs of pudgy right-wing Christian millionaires greeted me earlier, well I felt like I was Justin Timberlake lowering myself into a hot-tub full of Cosmo-lubricated Log Cabin Republicans.

(Laughter.)

Friends, there's been a lot of speculation by the liberal media that our dear Republican Party, the party that has historically supported the right of states to decide what is best for their own constituents, has abandoned this commitment and is instead imposing federal mandates so sweepingly draconian, we make Big Government Democrats look like a bunch of chicken-dancing hippy anarchists. Well I am here today to let you know that this completely preposterous rumor is both utterly true and irrelevant.

You've heard the scuttlebutt. The media blubbers that when our Godly President was facing almost certain defeat if the State of Florida were allowed to accurately count its citizens' votes, the President – a Texas resident – ran to federal courts, successfully begging them to rule that Florida would be breaking its own laws by adhering to the decision of its own Supreme Court. You've heard the media moan about my decision to tell the State of Oregon that it is forbidden to allow physicians to assist terminally ill patients in torturous pain to end their suffering, despite the fact that the overwhelming majority of Oregon residents had approved such a measure and the United States Supreme Court has said such decisions should be left to state legislatures. You've heard the media whine about Congress' decision to forbid states from awarding more than $250,000 to people whose loved ones die at the hands of incompetent physicians, even though the federal government has historically declined to interfere with state tort laws. The list goes on and on and on.

Well, I'm here to tell you that all this criticism, while factually true, is hogwash. Yes, our party strongly supported states' rights once upon a time. But friends, that was when states did what we knew was best for them – back when they recognized that if you provide any more than third world benefits to the poor, elderly, and generally whiney, you're basically throwing down the welcome mat for every last human maggot and sewer rat in the country to come slithering into your state and start feasting on rich folks' tax dollars. Unfortunately, today finds many state legislatures and governors developing so-called "consciences," and embracing ridiculous liberal causes like trying to ensure that all of their citizens have access to food, health care and education. As such, these states are reducing the President's ability to give his real constituents more of their stock dividends. And that we cannot have!

(Applause.)

The right of states to regulate what happens in their own territories can and must be counterbalanced against the federal government's duty to ensure that the will of God, which includes the will of corporate PAC's, be honored. For the President to allow states governments to actually represent their constituencies instead of blindly following the President's agenda might cause people to start thinking on their own again, and that could only undermine the President's credibility and prevent him from waging a never-ending war to keep that credibility artificially inflated. This, in turn, would endanger the Republican stranglehold on Congress and the Presidency. Democratic electoral victory is a circumstance we cannot countenance.

(Applause.)

Friends, the Bible tells us that killing is wrong (unless, of course, you're killing people whose philosophy of love and eternal happiness is incorrect). Helping a terminally ill patient in constant pain to kill himself is a far cry from killing ungrateful sand negroes who refuse to do what we tell them to. The Bible also says that suing people is wrong. After all, Jesus said that if a man smiteth thee on one cheek (or accidentally amputates the wrong cheek), we should turn to him the other. This verse clearly justifies restrictions on malpractice lawsuits, but, of course, should in no way be mistakenly applied to capital punishment and harsher prison sentences for colored crack smokers on the criminal side.

What the liberal media doesn't understand is that all stated policies of the GOP are designed with one purpose in mind: to further God's and President Bush's agendas, which are, by the definition we have adopted, one in the same. When a plank of the party platform, like respect for state autonomy, conflicts with this fundamental goal, that plank must be severed like a termite-infested patch of yacht decking. And I think we all know how hard that can be. So today, we say to the 50 states, the territories and Washington D.C.: If you want your rights protected, you'd better stop asking questions and follow the President's edicts, just like the rest of the country.

(Raucous Applause.)

Thank you, and God Bless America.

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