PRESIDENT'S PROCLAMATION TO RETROACTIVELY ERADICATE BIG GOVERNMENT CURTAILMENT OF EXECUTIVE FLAG DESECRATION & DEFILEMENT PRIVILEGES
Proclamation by the President
THE PRESIDENT:
Good afternoon. Please be seated. A few days ago, I was at a little campaign shindig in Livonia, Michigan, telling
a bunch of blue collar factory monkeys how excited they should be about some piddly rebate checks they might
or might not get for their still-uninsured children. Well, at this particular stop, we found ourselves fresh out of
the Tom Daschle silhouette shooting targets we usually give out, so instead, we dumped a couple thousand mini American flags
on the floor, and then I signed a whole bunch with an indelible black Sharpie. Well wouldn't you know it, some
sneaky photographer who's not on my
payroll took a picture,
and now a whole mess of so-called patriots are blubbering like women about me "desecrating the flag."
I don't understand the big deal here. I mean, if Pat Robertson and Hugh Hefner can go around signing the Holy Bible and
sweet pink titties, why in hell can't I sign the flag? If you haven't been tuned in since 9/11,
I've got news for you: I am America. Later today, I'm going over
and scribbling my name on the Constitution - gonna Wite-Out® right over
that other George Dubya's signature and replace it with mine. I figure that wig-wearing sissy's name has
been at the top of the list long enough. Besides, I'm the President, so I can sign whatever I want. Anybody got a thousand
dollar bill? I'll sign it. A copy of that real famous Abraham Lincoln "the score is four and seven beers" speech? I'll
sign that sucker, too.
There's just one problem though, which is why I'm here today talking about this. True, the corporate news media has
bypassed this story in favor of ecstatically rolling out all those beefy Bob Hope obituaries they've been sitting on
for so many years. Trouble is, I'm told that it's actually illegal (shhhhhh!) for me to scribble
on an American flag. Specifically, United States Code, Title 4, Chapter 1, Section 8 (g), states:
"The flag should never have placed upon it, nor on any part of it, nor attached to it any mark, insignia, letter, word,
figure, design, picture, or drawing of any nature."
You know, sometimes I get so damned sick of this whole "nobody's above the law" nonsense. All these people yammering at
you all the time with, "You can't dump on the flag," this.
And "you can't lie about why you went after Saddam bin Laden," that.
The next thing you know, they'll be saying that me and Pickles can't honor old White House flags by taking them back
to Crawford, where I tie them in knots on mesquite poles, soak them in citronella, then use them as flaming skeeter torches
all around the patio. Sheesh!
Fortunately, Section 10 of the same dumb code
says I can change Section 8 by issuing a proclamation. And since I unfortunately don't have a time machine to go back and change
the law before I broke it, this here is gonna have to be retroactive to last week. Honestly, I'm not sure if that's legal either.
But who cares?
NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me
by the laws of the United States and consistent with United States Code, Title 4, Chapter 1, Section 8, as amended,
do hereby proclaim that effective Wednesday, July 23, 2003, Executive Flag Desecration and Defilement Privileges are hereby
permanently expanded to include whatsoever George W. Bush feels like doing, up to and including drawing on it, painting
on it, or even pinching a fat Presidential steamer on it.
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this twenty-eighth day of July, in the year of our Lord Jesus Christ two
thousand three, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and twenty-eighth.
GEORGE W. BUSH
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White House Information:
