REVEREND PAT ROBERTSON: Good morning. Thank you, thank you. It's my great honor to have accepted the President's invitation to address you all from his personal pulpit on this beautiful autumn Sunday. Now inasmuch as my beloved organization, the Christian Coalition of America, not only bankrolled George W. Bush's campaign, but now also dictates the whole of administration policy, the Commander in Chief is eager for me to set the record straight on a few things.

Recently, the news media has accelerated its long-running campaign to undermine right-wing fundamentalist domination. They are doing this by taking statements of mine out of context, and shamelessly twisting their meaning. Specifically, they are attempting to insinuate that my ideas to nuke the State Department and browbeat Jesus into murdering Supreme Court Justices are somehow unpatriotic. My friends, this could not be any further from the truth.

Anyone who knows me knows that it is in fact because of my intense patriotism and love of people that I work actively to see God's vicious anger dispensed upon anyone who would dare stand in the way of my television network reaping billions in tithes from unemployed trailer-dwelling pre-teen mothers. And that is why today, I trust that by presenting my ideas in their proper context – as part of my comprehensive seven-step plan to save America – that the good Christian people of this country will lift their heads up and bellow, "Amen, brother Pat!"

PAT'S SEVEN-STEP PLAN TO SAVE AMERICA FROM NON-FUNDAMENTALIST CHRISTIAN TRASH

1. Working in partnership with my millionaire televangelist brethren, slowly but steadily lull our despised and inferior political and religious opposition into weak, pathetic complacency through a steady diet of feigned tolerance and empty feel-good rhetoric!
2. Summon the Lord's mighty thunderbolts of bloody vengeance to righteously smite U.S. State Department closet pinkos, but instead of resorting to showy Iron Age meteorological phenomena, which have proved annoyingly ineffective at killing bureaucrats who never go outside, let them be instead splattered into sanguine plumes of flesh-frying nothingness by Samsonite suitcase nukes!
3. Pray to Yahweh, infallible white man who sits on a toilet-like White Throne of Judgment on a carpet of stars, defecating the unsaved into a swirling, fecal-stained porcelain portal to Hell, that the remaining liberal Supreme Court Justices – are of whom are old, feeble, and riddled with secret VD even Chinese whores don't get – all fall victim to sudden, career-ending, cranium-imploding brain aneurysms!
4. Dispatch brave Christian Soldiers to the Hart Senate Office Building, where they shall creep stealthily into the depraved corridors of the Democratic Temple Merchants, and sow holy parcels of purest driven weaponized Anthrax graciously provided to us by our brothers and sisters at Lambs of God Christian Abortion Doctor Killers, LLC!
5. Persuade the always irascible Lord, to once more become enraged by American citizens, lift His fickle veil of protection, and silently snicker while damnation-bound Arabiacs fly airplanes straight into the black heart of the House Democratic Caucus!
6. Infiltrate the National Endowment for the Arts – infamous lair of scat fetishists and Vladimir Lenin necrophiles – and brutally stone not only the bloated skulls of its leadership, but also those of the sordid sodomites who revel in its godless grant money!
7. Finally, inasmuch as the Earth and all her creatures, flora and fauna, are ours to command and to profit from at the expense of the unsaved, remember always what an angel told me: that equal parts gasoline and styrofoam mixed will produce a flammable elixir known as napalm. And verily I say unto thee, may the heads of the EPA shriek as they learn that just as sin cannot be cleansed from their liberal souls, napalm cannot be wiped from their burning flesh! Glory!

Amen.

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