THE PRESIDENT: Thank you very much. Good afternoon. I'm pleased that all of you could join me as the "Partial Birth" Abortion Act of 2003 becomes the law of the land. I especially want to thank Reverend Falwell for coming. We made it a point to seat you front and center, Jerry – on account of how you just ooze love for all peoples.

For too many years now, liberal doctors have been practicing a procedure known as "Intact Dilation and Extraction." Indeed, Attorney General Ashcroft has gathered solid intelligence indicating that this emergency procedure has been performed as many as 2500 times since 1973. Heck, that's almost as many Iraqi and Afghan babies as I've killed since January!

(Shouts of "Amen.")

That's what I said! So anyways, I want to explain how Intact Dilation and Extraction worked before I renamed it "partial birth abortion" and backed this bill to make it a felony. To do that, I'd like all of you fellas in the audience who made this law a reality to close your eyes and pretend that you're actually a woman.

(Raucous Laughter.)

I know, I know. Ridiculous. But bear with me for a minute. Got your eyes closed? Good. Now pretend you're all preggers. Not just recently-knocked-up preggers, but like late-term super-preggers. You're fat, and ugly, and your husband's so grossed out by your bloated librarian ass, that he's coming home late from Harken Energy every night after plowing his secretary while doing lines of blow off her tits.

(Hoots.)

Yeah, we've all been there. So anyway, you're real preggers – like just over six months – and your plan is to become a mommy. Then one day, you go in for your checkup, and they tell you that Jesus has decided to flex his mighty love muscle by afflicting your womb booger with one of his most beautiful congenital deformities – like anencephaly, severe spina bifida, or extreme hydrocephalus. You're told that when you carry it to term, not only will God probably kill that baby himself within mere hours or days, but He might just kill you during delivery, AND will sure as hell put your family in the poor house unless you've got one sweetheart federal insurance package!

(Laughter.)

Right, like we let anyone have those except us! But anyway, here's where it really gets crazy. Did you know that under such circumstances, there are actually man-hating lezbo liberal baby killers out there who want to take steps to interfere with God Almighty's all-knowing and all-merciful plan to kill and/or bankrupt her by hatching that severely deformed thing-child into the world? They don't seem to understand that the Lord wants that little monster to be born – if for no other reason than to amuse Himself watching it struggling to move its 30-pound watermelon head around!

(Cheers.)

My sentiments exactly! But what do these tramps go and do? They ask their so-called physicians – blood-thirsty murderers who pretend to know what they're talking about simply because they wasted twelve years studying medicine instead of going AWOL and watching baseball – what options are available to them to take a big steaming dump right on the Lord's face!

(Gasps.)

And what do those "doctors" tell them? They say that there's one procedure – Intact Dilation & Extraction – which is reserved almost exclusively for fabulously rare circumstances such as this. They say it ain't pretty, and that 99 percent of the time, it involves imploding an deformed, incomplete fetus skull through which brain tissue is already protruding. They say that if they don't get have Intact Dilation & Extraction, they might just die.

(Boos.)

That's what I said! I mean, can you believe it? These girly-girls are never happy. The damned liberals already went and gave them the right to vote and wear pants, and now they want to be able to live? Unreal! Which is why when Pat Robertson called me up and said that outlawing this bitch-saving abomination was almost as important to him as nuking the State Department, I hopped on board right away! And today, here we are! Intact Dilation & Extraction is about to become ILLEGAL!

(Cheers.)

Hard to believe it's been just seven months since the Senate passed this ban. Because as I said back in March, this is a huge victory in our tireless incremental plot to completely and permanently ban all forms of abortion. It's all about the baby steps, folks. Before you know it, there won't be a single knocked-up slut in this grand country of ours who will even dream about messing around with her insides once she's got a coochie full of man chutney.

I mean, if the good Lord meant women to have any say over their bodies, would he have put those sweet little penis pockets between their legs? Hell no! And if the ladies keep nagging about this, well, we'll take back that rib, too!

(Applause.)

Furthermore, I swear to all of you that the Executive Branch – which means, like, the Marines, Delta Force, and all the paramilitary domestic death squads at my disposal – will vigorously dispatch any highfalutin judge who thinks it's his job to interpret and make rulings about law. And in just a few decades, the uteruses of this country's shirt-ironing, potroast-basting baby makers will be declared National Parks, subject to strict statutes making it a federal offense for womenfolk to so much as squeeze a bottle of Massengill into themselves without direct permission from yours truly.

(Applause.)

I want to thank Senator Rick Santorum in particular for sponsoring this bill in the Senate. I know how much he struggled with the moral and philosophical implications of banning this procedure – especially knowing that around 10% of those 2500 almost unimaginably deformed fetuses were also homos in waiting. Fortunately, inasmuch as Rickos was instrumental in derailing Hate Crimes legislation last June, he can take solace knowing that any fag octopus babies saved by the Partial Birth Abortion ban can still be fatally gay-bashed with impunity.

(Cheers.)

In closing, I want to thank you all for joining me for this historic bill signing. My only regret is that there are only twelve letters in my signature – meaning just twelve golden pens to be auctioned off for $2,000.00 a pop at my next campaign stop.

(Applause.)

My poppy once said to me: "Abortion is a politically tricky thing, Junior. That's why you must never let anyone know about the illegal one you paid for in Houston back in 1970." That oh-so-Presidential wisdom and spirit is reflected in the Partial Birth Abortion Ban Act of 2003, which I am now honored to sign into law. God bless.

(The bill is signed.) (Applause.)

Thank you, all.

(Applause.)

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