PRESIDENT'S VETERANS DAY ADDRESS TO RETIRED MILITARY SHRAPNEL SPONGES CELEBRATING THE IMPENDING ABOLISHMENT OF GIRLY-MAN BENEFITS PROGRAMS
Address by the President, Arlington National Cemetery
THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. It's always a real pleasure to photographed with actual military people here at Arlington National
Cemetery. And I thank you for that warm and telegenic welcome. You know, it's true what they say: there's no applause quite so
moving as the soft roar of a few thousand amputee veteran stumps slowly thump-clapping in unison.
(Applause.)
And here I was afraid nobody would recognize me without my airplane-flier-guy jumpsuit on. I really wanted to wear it here today
so it would seem like I actually belong in the company of heroes, but Laura told me if I wore it outside again, that I'm not allowed to keep using it as
pajamas every night. And frankly, you people just don't mean enough to me to make that sacrifice.
Anyway, you may now be seated – unless you're already in a wheelchair, in which case you may... just kinda slump on down
a little.
(Applause.)
As you all know, today is Veterans Day, a holiday that while wisely overlooked by our profit-consumed private sector, still
remains a fabulous opportunity for those of us whose paychecks are written on the taxpayer's backs to enjoy yet another
much-deserved day off.
(Applause.)
Yes, on Veterans Day, we Federal noblemen take a brief respite from waging and plotting current and future wars to
spend a few moments thinking about all you maimed and disfigured fellas who actually had to fight in wars.
Because while people like me had the bitchin' family connections that enabled us to play it safe by jumping to the
front of the National Guard waiting list, we nevertheless wish to be perceived as sincere when feigning empathy for
you sorry, low-class combat gimps.
(Boos.)
Awww come on now! You boys don't really mean that. I mean, everybody knows that military people love me.
They love all us Bushes. We're the Presidents who give them the fat blank checks to blow a few thousand tons of
ordnance up the asses of whatever swarthy boogeymen we're in the mood to slaughter. But more importantly, we're
the Presidents with the big Yalie balls who aren't too chicken to send our nation's colored teenagers deep into
enemy territory so they can enjoy the character-building experience of jamming their bayonets through the sternums
of living, breathing evil-doers! And that, my friends, is what makes a real veteran.
Just look at the Bush-initiated wars: Panama, Iraq, Somalia, Afghanistan, Iraq again. Those are serious operations. We're talking
people dying, Gulf War Syndrome, Black Hawk pilot corpses getting dragged through the streets. Real Steven Spielberg movie
kinda stuff. Now look at Bill Clinton's wars: Haiti, Bosnia, Kosovo...
(Laughter.)
I know it! Not a single US soldier killed in Kosovo! "Surgical bombing strikes," they called them. More like
sissical bombing strikes if you ask me. Genital Wesley Clark may like to think Kosovo was a war, but when the only
American injuries coming out of a combat zone are the joystick calluses on the guys running the Nintendo bombing
software, I say that don't count for squat.
(Applause.)
Oh, before I forget – FREEDOM®! That's right, FREEDOM®, FREEDOM®, FREEDOM®.
As President, I believe we must be freer to love our FREEDOM® freely, even while my Patriot Act is stripping our freest freenesses
away. Because that's what FREEDOM® is all about, and why my poppy and me send little folks like you off to freely die.
(Applause.)
Yes, you veterans know better than anyone that FREEDOM® ain't free. In fact, it requires great sacrifice.
And I know that many of you still yearn to promote FREEDOM®, yet are too old and decrepit to walk back in
to the line of fire. Fortunately for you, it's never too late to keep making sacrifices for FREEDOM®!
That's why this Veterans Day, in the spirit of you people sacrificing, I am tickled pink to announce plans for sweeping
reductions in veterans' benefits. Mind you, it's not politically feasible to get them rolling until my second term begins, but mark my words –
America's veterans fought too hard for FREEDOM® to end up being subjected to some lousy quasi-Socialist,
infantilizing, girly-girl federal handout of a benefits program. FREEDOM® is about looking out for #1, which is why I'm doing my
best to ensure a future where no veteran will have to endure the humiliating indignity of having some lousy VA doctor lewdly fingering
his prostate or penning a prescription for some cut-rate generic heart medication.
(Applause.)
In the meantime, because I didn't want tomorrow's veterans – A.K.A. "today's soldiers" – to feel left out,
I've given them the privilege of making additional sacrifices for FREEDOM® today by footing the bill for their own hospital food
and taking a nice fat pay cut!
(Applause.)
And come 2005, you geriatrics will be sitting pretty in the same FREEDOM® BOAT!
(Applause.)
Thank you. Happy Veterans Day!
That's a wrap. I'm off to the links.
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