THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. Today I bring news of great consequence to all the pollsters of the world. Yesterday, December the 13th, at around 8:30 p.m. Baghdad time, former CIA employee Saddam Hussein was captured alive. This man, the most powerful, diabolical evildoer ever to threaten humanity, was found in his hometown of Tikrit, beneath the dusty lean-to of a long-time supporter. In short, he was exactly where everyone thought he'd be. And today, I am proud to say that it only took us just shy of nine months from the day I gave him forty-eight hours to skedattle or be promptly administered a Texas Lead Enema.

Also as expected, Saddam was found presiding over operations at a state-of-the-art Weapons of Mass Destruction control panel with a retractable top, hot babes and heliport – albeit artfully camouflaged to resemble an unstaffed, vermin-infested hole in the ground. It was here, from this advanced, zillion dollar terror complex that he concocted and carefully managed execution of his countless nefarious schemes – most notably his powerful, intoxicating ability to make us forget all about the people who were actually behind 9/11 by impersonating a filthy piece of homeless trash. Well that was his last mistake. Little did he know that this administration is even quicker at taking down the poor than it is at nabbing evildoers!

Going forward, you will hear a great deal of talk in the news media about how Saddam did not fight to the death when finally seized by U.S. forces. You will hear that while he wore a diminutive, dirt-jammed sidearm, that he never fired a single shot while 600 burly leathernecks wielding personal howitzers closed in around him. You may wonder about the fixation on this seemingly irrelevant detail. Well, the reason for this is simple. It shows that Saddam is a pussy. A pink panty-wearing, prancing tooty-fruity wimp in a silken negligee, wanting nothing more than to be taken alive, stripped naked, and repeatedly subjected to Uncle Sam's notoriously thorough body cavity searches.

(Boos.)

Indeed. But in contrast to Saddam's totally embarrassing pussiness, I am a total stud – a veritable throbbing veiny staff of alpha-male triumph. And inasmuch as I am also the embodiment of the United States, all Americans are today infinitely more studly than they were yesterday. That is why, in celebration of our astonishing ability to evict a bewildered 66 year-old from a hole in the ground with only 400+ U.S. casualties, let all Americans follow my personal example, and demonstrate their patriotism by standing topless in front of a mirror, gritting their teeth, flexing their muscles and bellowing, "WHO'S THE FUCKING MAN? I'M THE FUCKING MAN! USA! USA! USA!"

I also have a message for the people of Iraqistan. You will not have to fear the rule of Saddam Hussein ever again. Gone are the torture chambers, secret police, and Baathist corruption. And in their place are Camp X-Ray, a trigger-happy occupying army, and Halliburton contracts. Sure, you may still be without electricity, but those dandy car bombs sure light up the night sky, huh? Fortunately, you can take heart in knowing that in the history of Iraq, the sun has risen on a hopeful day, revealing a gleaming American boot, whose enormous Christian sole you are required to lick with fevered reverence while your vast oil reserves are quietly siphoned into American supertankers. And once we've reinvented your sorry social, political, and religious cultures in our own image, we shall up and nobly sail away on chariots made of clouds, pulled by white-winged stallions, waving goodbye to all the mustachioed men, women and children of Muslamia.

Now if you'll indulge me for just one minute, I'd like to say a few words directly to Saddam Hussein, whose cell has been temporarily outfitted with a TV just for the occasion. Saddam, you know it's funny – when I first saw that picture of you after you got captured, it reminded me of how I looked after a three-week bender stuck under a chubby little senorita in Guadalajara until my mother roused us with the cold steel of her Remington pistol. Anyway, shortly before I decided to kick off my unilateral campaign to introduce the alleged people of that decrepit armpit

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of a Texaco mini-mart you call a country to the uniquely American concept of FREEDOM^®, you granted a final interview to the senile liberal fruitcake Dan Rather. And when Dan asked you if you were afraid of being captured or killed, you responded, "whatever happens is the will of Allah." Well guess what, Sand Monkey? I'M ALLAH! AND FOR TRYING TO KILL MY DADDY, MY WILL IS TO SEE YOUR ASS FRY LIKE A COLORED HOUSTON DIME BAG DEALER!

(Applause.)

Boy, I'll tell ya – there are two people I wouldn’t want to be right now: Saddam Hussein or any of the Democratic candidates for President. Either you’re a cranky, granola-crapping dove like Howie, or a overly-sensitive desk commando hawk like Leslie, or even worse – you’re the Yankee or the Jew, who were so nutless they voted for my little rumble in Arabiastan just so they could ride the fence of public opinion in the event the war failed or succeeded.

Anyhoo, in commemoration of this momentous achievement, a celebration is in order. Myself, well I made a promise to my DEKE brothers that if Saddam was captured, I'd crack open a fifty year-old bottle of Glenfiddich and have my first public funnel since going through the motions with all that AA nonsense twenty years ago. Unfortunately, not all Americans have the option to bring in the frat boys and party till they puke. As such, I am canceling that Martin Lawrence King day thing and declaring tomorrow to be an all-new Federal Holiday.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the peerless arsenal of the United States military-industrial complex, do hereby proclaim December 15, 2003, to be National Victory Over the Guy Who Isn't Osama Bin Laden Day.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this fourteenth day of December, in the year of our Lord Jesus Christ two thousand three, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and twenty-eighth.

(Applause.)

Thank you, and God Bless Me!

SEE ALSO:
- Saddam's Papers
- The WMD Smoking Gun Documents

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