Good morning. This week, while the Dummycraps are in Massachusetts busy celebrating that huge queer marriage reception they're passing off as their national convention, I thought that real Americans might enjoy hearing what I'll be up to down here at my Crawford Ranch.

You know, I like to get my own hands dirty as much as I can. So I'll be waking up two hours earlier than usual each day I'm here just to supervise the 10 AM round-up. Phew! I'm getting tired just thinking about how hard it is to bark orders at ten or eleven shifty-eyed Mexi-Ricans. But I do love the way they look at me all confused-like when I yell out words of encouragement like "Ten cuidado con la tequilla, Pedro," (easy on the Tequilla, Pedro), and "No molestas mi hijas blancas," (hands off my White daughters). (Laughs.)

Get the GODLY New Book!

Working the land like this should remind all Americans about their choices this November. Here I'll be, getting as close to the Earth as I can without ruining my $500 silk cowboy hat and dirtying my $1,000 Lucchese alligator cowboy boots, while the closest those liberals will get to touching the land is the five seconds it takes for them to step out of their limousines and scurry inside a Planned Parenthood clinic to hop in the abortion stirrups.

And let me tell you – bossing around all these wetbacks also reminds me of how the candy-ass media swept my proposal to offer amnesty to loads of illegals under the rug. But you know, that was a good thing! It turns out everyone from Trent Lott to Rudy Jew-Lani nearly had a stroke over that one, so I'm glad you all have chosen to forget it for now. I promise the American people that's the last time I make a policy proposal when Karl Rove is on vacation. Well, unless I'm positive it'll be mega-popular, like killing lots of Arabiacs or something.

Now I'll also be spending some time clearing "brush" away from some of my thousands of acres in order to make a nice pitch-and-put golf course. I figure I'll need it to keep busy on my next sixth-month vacation after me and Dick get re-selected. What that means is we'll be clearcutting about 500 trees, exterminating a few thousand prairie dogs, and spicing up the water table with a nice 100-year infusion of ChemLawn runoff. I figure that ought to prove to those enviro-loonies that this president is not for sale to their special interests!

Finally, I'll be planting some wheat and corn crops so I can keep collecting that government farming subsidy that lets everyone from Sam Donaldson to Ted Turner to ME take in an extra $500,000 in chump change every year! Sure it was meant to help the poor family farmer, but thanks to us Republicans, all of America's farms are run much more efficiently by Tyson and Archer Daniels Midland. So I figure somebody better be collecting all those juicy taxpayer dollar subsidies. Otherwise it's just more liberal pork gone totally to waste!

In closing, as this week unfolds, I would encourage all Americans of consequence to not let themselves become distracted by the nonsense and lies spewing forth from the hate-fest which is the Democratic National Convention. Instead, I would urge them to turn off their TVs and follow the lead of their "just folks" president, by ignoring all those fresh terrorism warnings in the 9/11 report and devoting a full week to pretending to be a regular, hard-working, scuzz-under-the-fingernails-low-class-grunt getting photographed on his gazillion dollar luxury spread. You'll be amazed how much better it makes you feel about the direction of our nation!

Thank you, and God Bless Republican America.

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