Good morning, people of Punta Gorda. I know today is not a happy day for many of you. This past Saturday saw the realization of some of your greatest fears, when Jesus – cleverly disguised as Hurricane Charley – finally ran out of patience with my sudden drop in the statewide polls, and decided to flex a little Almighty Muscle to show Florida He means business.

Yes, the Lord works in mysterious ways. And I know that sometimes, it can be a challenge to feel His intense love for you, especially when He's peeling the roof off your double-wide to spit torrents of rain all over your fancy pig leather furniture. So I know that things are hard right now. Even for those of you whose homes were spared Christ's wrath, I understand that many are having to endure the heartbreak of lazy Cubo-rican maids and gardeners who are using the hurricane as an excuse to take a 3-week siesta.

That is why today, I want to assure the voters of Florida that my administration will be watching out for them. Yes, because if there's one thing I try to do, it's learn from my wimpy dad's mistakes. And when Poppy didn't write you folks a blank check fast enough after Hurricane Andrew tore through here in '92, you tossed his wrinkled ass onto the bonfire of humiliated one-termers. And I will not let that happen again.

And so this morning, I have informed all relevant agencies of the federal government to do everything they can to help you folks out. That includes providing shelter, meals, and putting together enough road blocks to keep out those annoying democratic voter registration drives. Also, I'm told that the Red Cross is diverting most of its people here, which means no more sneaking around at Guantanamo or Abu Ghraib. I've also directed what's left of the National Guard to be 100% focused on your safety and security. Sure, that means a few US platoons in Iraqistan will have to go without fresh supplies and ammo, but last time I checked, those grunts weren't worth 25 electoral votes. So until they are, I'm going to make sure everyone's safe and happy right here in Puta Gorda.

Get the GODLY New Book!

Wait a minute – doesn't that mean "fat whore" in Mexican? Well speaking as a former regular at Madame Rosalita's in Tijuana, I can understand why the Good Lord decided to take a last minute detour here instead of rolling through geriatric Tampa. I mean, who can pass up tearing into a nice juicy slice of Poontang Gorda? (Laughs)

(Silence.)

Oh well. You know, I betcha the socialist liberal commiecrats find it pretty ironical so many of you Floridicans who vote to cut the taxes which pay for annoying things like infrastructure and public schools and disaster relief are now sticking out your paws to load up on a few billion federal emergency dollars. But what those left-nut wingers and their friends in the media don't understand is that taxes should only be used to help people who have already helped themselves. Sure, we could waste a few gazillion on school lunches here and a Head Start program there. But if we did that, how could we guarantee the corporate tax cuts needed to maintain eight-figure CEO salaries? And handouts to poor, hungry children would sure make it hard to pay Hallinurton's 500% mark-up on meals for our troops.

But I hope it's clear to every American that it's tragedies like this that make us so grateful to be Americans. All of you in Florida can be thankful that our 18th century paternalistic electoral system guarantees you'll get the biggest slice of the government's pie every time you like. And my baby brother Jeb and I can be thankful that by acting quickly to put together stop-gap relief efforts like this help divert attention away from the fact that we've done far greater damage to the rest of the state and country than any one-day storm ever could – unless of course Jesus decides to bust out with one of those "Day After Tomorrow" doozies.

Oh, I almost forgot. Jeb tells me all the electrical power in the state is still a little screwed up. All of you who live in Dade county are advised to stay home and as far away from those new electric voting machines until we give you the all-clear. That should be sometime around November 4th at the earliest.

Thank you, and God Bless America!

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