THE PRESIDENT: Ten years ago, my predecessor Bill Clinton took it upon himself to gut the Second Amendment to the U.S. Constitution by imposing a ban on so-called "assault weapons." Sadly for America, he wasn't talking about that rapid-fire jizz howitzer he keeps in his trousers. No, he was talking about the rapid-fire personal weapons of medium destruction that our Founding Fathers so clearly foresaw each time they spent five minutes hand-packing single-shot lead balls into six foot iron muskets.

Today, the United States can be proud to have a President who understands that quite the contrary to Bill Clinton's interpretation, the Second Amendment is the ONLY part of the Bill of Rights we really need. A President who proudly ignores the fact that over 70% of his constituents want the Assault Rifle ban extended, but has the conviction and sense of leadership it takes to flip the bird to all those crybaby pussies. And yes, I am that President, and I understand that in these terrifying times, an UZI and M16 in every pot are what's needed – for a few very important reasons:

First off, there's hunting. Now everyone knows that killing critters is more than a way to feed your family, thin the hostile and aggressive deer population, and make earth-shattering ka-booms echo across God's Country. Hunting is a sport! A sport where fat, bored men who haven't popped a boner in months play the soldier they never had the guts to be in real life by killing Bambi, then letting her gamy meat get all frost burned for years in a basement freezer.

Lemme tell you, there's nothing like dumping the old lady at home while you and your buddies go drain Coors party balls in the woods all weekend. And then if you're lucky, there's that one moment of exerting yourself by squeezing a trigger and cracking a buck in the neck. I love the adrenaline of sprinting the whole 100 yards to where the deer has fallen dead. Then after catching my breath and wiping my brow dry, collapsing on the still warm corpse to check my trophy – fondling the horns, running my fingers through the coarse coat, flicking my tongue into the bleeding, gaping cunt of the bullet hole, grinding my lust into its hindquarters and... and... we'll y'all know. And now, because I'm letting the assault rifle ban expire, we can all get back to the thrill of downing these monsters – with machine guns!

Get the GODLY New Book!

Secondly, there's the issue of securitizing our residentiaries. I know that you residents of our country's great all-white backwaters need to be able to protect your double-wides. I know you folks own a whole lot of valuable Chinese plastic stuff you bought at Wal-Mart, and you need the ability to use deadly force in order to keep it safe from Negro tornadoes and swarms of horny terrorist suiciders intent on stripping the velour sweatpants off your 400 pound wife and sodomating her lilly-white cottage cheese butt right there on the formica countertop just before frying your whole family with a thermonukular Samsonite carry-on.

Thirdly, I know that folks in Montana and Idaho prayer bunkers need to be fully prepared for the day when – Jesus forbid – a Democrat like John Kerry becomes President and sends out legions of jack-booted federal thugs to try and tell people that they're not allowed to put land mines around their front yards and customize their Chevy Silverados with Patriot Missile launchers! Because if there's one thing America's 200 years of serving as the world's shining example of FREEDOMŪ and Democracy has taught our flag-waving NRA members, it's that they should live in constant slacks-drenching fear that the government will be storming our living rooms to confiscate little Timmy's BB gun.

And to my dear cross-eyed friends in the Deep South, let me say that even though I a Connecticut Yalie born and bred, I understand that you all still wet your beds at night over memories of the War of Northern Aggression, when an army of micks, nigras, Catholics, and Boston Dandies came trouncing through your property, setting fire to everything and forcing you all to act nice and live the letter of the Constitution. Which is why, more than anything else, in the very likely eventuality that the North invades again, you all need to be armed to your remaining teeth with AK-47's, AR-15's, TEC9's and all other manner of military issue thunder sticks – which, had they existed back in the 1860's, you all might have spent the last 145 years using them to keep your uppity colored cotton pickers in line instead of watching them all turn into famous basketball and rap-hop gazillionaires.

And so, for all these reasons and more, I am pleased to announce that effective immediately, the Assault Weapons ban is lifted. Now if you can believe it, liberals like John Kerry are going to criticize this. They actually think there's a connection between the fact that these guns have been illegal for ten years and the fact that violent gun crime is now at its lowest level in a generation. HA! Now leave it to the Democrats to use "numbers" to justify their glaringly apparent and embarrassingly obvious logic.

Over 20,000 people a year are killed by firearms is what they'll say. That the ban saves lives. Well, hogwash. You know who saves lives? George W. Bush saves lives! I happen to know that almost 3,000 people died three years ago in that terrible tragedy I love to suckle on like some kind of spooky cowboy vampire that I like to call "Lucky Numbers Nine-One-One." People need to dispense with all that common sense statistics nonsense ad accept that they are in WAY more danger of being killed by a terrorist than being hit by a bullet launching from the barrel of a weapon designed to kill as many human beings as possible. Make sense? Give it a moment, it will.

Anyway, a side benefit of the ban being lifted is that them urban monkeys in the ghetto can go back to blowing themselves up left and right, flying through the air all Matrix-like – an Uzi in each hand and a MAC-10 velcroed to each thigh, thus reducing crime. Hallelujah!

NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Rehnquist Supreme Court, do hereby proclaim that effective Monday, September 14, 2001, machine gun buying privileges are permanently expanded to include whatsoever high school dropout, paranoid survivalist nutjob, gangbanger, dittohead, disgruntled postal worker, or aspiring young Timothy McVeigh-of-Tomorrow who's jonesing for some serious kill power.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, and with the public acceptance of the notion that even though I swore to uphold this ban in 2000, I am no "flip-flopper," I have hereunto set my hand this fourteenth day of September, in the year of our Lord Jesus Christ two thousand three, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and twenty-ninth.

GEORGE W. BUSH

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