JIM LEHRER: Good evening from the University of Miami Convocation Center in Coral Gables, Florida. I'm Jim Lehrer of "The NewsHour" on PBS, And I welcome you to the first of the 2004 presidential debates – between President George W. Bush and Senator John Kerry.

(APPLAUSE)

LEHRER: Good evening, Mr. President, Senator Kerry.

As determined by a coin toss, the first question goes to you, Senator Kerry.

Do you believe you could do a better job than President Bush in preventing another 9/11-type terrorist attack on the United States?

JOHN KERRY (As Edited for Clarity by White House Communications Office): Blah blah blah blah flip flip flippity-flop flop floppity blah blah I look like a big French dork etc. etc. etc.

LEHRER: Mr. President, you have a 90-second rebuttal.

THE PRESIDENT: I, too, thank the University of Miami. And I thank all the people of the state of Florida, which our loving lord Jesus has, in his infinitely mysterious wisdom, seen fit to ravage so severely over the past several weeks. I also want to thank the people in the audience. And I thank the people watching at home. And I thank the carpenter who built this podium. And I thank my barber for giving me this great new sandy blond hairdo. Really I thank anyone who can cast a ballot – unless your precinct has Diebold machines, in which case my baby brother Jebby and me thank you in advance for your vote. In short… thanks.

You know, John Kerry says he has a plan to keep us safe from another 9/11™. Well if you ask me, he has some nerve even talking about 9/11™. Everyone knows that 9/11™ is my day. People think of 9/11™, and they think of how great I was on 9/11™. They remember how bravely I didn't get killed on 9/11™, and how I talked all those nice words from my speechwriters a few days after 9/11™. And how even three years after 9/11™, I bring up 9/11™ every thirty seconds or so. Because the thing about 9/11™ is, if 9/11™ isn't always reminding you of 9/11™, then another 9/11™ will be even worster than the initial 9/11™ of 9/11™ – which showed us just how 9/11™ these 9/11™s can be!

LEHRER: New question, Mr. President, two minutes.

Do you believe the election of Senator Kerry on November the second would increase the chances of the U.S. being hit by another 9/11-type terrorist attack?

THE PRESIDENT: There's not going to be any election of Senator Kerry. It's not going to happen. I'm going to win – and for real this time. Why? Because I'm going to win. So if there's one thing people need to remember about the fact that I'm going to win, it's that I'm going to win!

But you also mentioned terror. Now I know that the voters are terrified of terror. And that's because terror, in all its terriferousness, can not only be really terrifying – it can also be scary. And that's why I'm doing everything I can to make voters more scarededer by the minute. Sure, we Americans like to think how big and tough we are, but at the end of the terrifying day, all it takes is nineteen smelly Arabiacs with boxcutters to get us so terrified, our giant star-spangled gonads shrivel up into teeny-tiny little jerky raisins of terror. And when that happens, the only way to ever feel safe again is to get yourself a permanent supreme leader like me – who should NEVER be questioned or suffer the indignity of participating in some wimpy election.

LEHRER: Ninety second response, Senator Kerry.

JOHN KERRY (As Edited for Clarity by White House Communications Office): Blah blah blabbity blab blah Saddam Osama Aghanistan Iraq blah blah blah I use lots of big words blah blah blah I look like Mr. Ed and sound like him too blah blah blah.

LEHRER: New question, two minutes, Senator Kerry.

Get the GODLY New Book!

"Colossal misjudgments." What colossal misjudgments, in your opinion, has President Bush made in these areas?

JOHN KERRY (As Edited for Clarity by White House Communications Office): Blah blah Saddam bin Laden blah blah blah a thousand dead soldiers blah blah 90% of casualties blah blah I suck major U.N. schlong blah blah blah.

LEHRER: Your response, Mr. President.

THE PRESIDENT: The fact of the matter is that Saddam Hussein was a grave threat. But beyond that, Saddam Hussein was also extremely threatenizing is a very grave way. And today, the world is far less gravely threatened without Saddam Hussein issuing gravitateous threatenizationals. And by "the world" – I mean my Poppy. Besides, irrespectibly of whether or not he actually turned out to have any weapons, Saddam Hussein was the very incarnation of threatening threateningness of gravely graveness.

I know that's a lot of information to process, but it's the gravinousness threatly truth.

LEHRER: New question, Mr. President.

What about Senator Kerry's point, the comparison he drew between the priorities of going after Osama bin Laden and going after Saddam Hussein?

THE PRESIDENT: Of course we're after Saddam Hussein – I mean bin Laden. That's why we're in Iraqistan – I mean Afghanisraq.

Anyway, this here war on terror involves whoever and wherever I say it needs to. This is a global effort. Because terrorists and killers and enemies and boogie men are all around us. And the best way to defeat them is to always say the same thing over and over and over again – no matter what. To repeat the same talking points ad nauseum. To be certain to get your message across by reiterating key sound bytes. And most especially, to invoke "FREEDOM®."

That's the plan for victory. And only when Iraq is FREE®, can Americans stop spending every second of every day worrying about being killed by the rabid Muslamian terror killers who hate FREEDOM®.

LEHRER: Senator Kerry, 90 seconds.

JOHN KERRY (As Edited for Clarity by White House Communications Office): Blah blah blah no plan to win the peace blah blah blah dead soldiers blah blah maimed soldiers blah blah I got a faggy manicure this morning.

THE PRESIDENT: Can I respond to that?

LEHRER: Let's do one of these one-minute extensions. You have 30 seconds.

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you, sir.

First of all, Senator Kerry wants you to forget that he voted to authorize the use of force. And now he says I'm using the force wrong. He's like a fuddy-duddy father who gives his son the keys to the Camaro, and then dares to say that junior shouldn't go spin donuts in the middle of a soccer field full of crippled kids. I mean, how flip-floppity is that?

I don't see you can drive this great Camaro of a country to success in Iraq if you say "no running yellow lights and plowing down crowds of innocent pedestrians on the crosswalk!" What message does that send our troops? What message does that send to our allies? What message does that send the Iraqis?

No, the way to win this is for everyone to just shut the fuck up so I can keep the petal to the metal, bury the speedo needle, and keep barreling down the same one-way street that leads straight to I-Have-No-Idea-Where!

LEHRER: Thirty seconds, Senator.

JOHN KERRY (As Edited for Clarity by White House Communications Office): Blah blah blah I use big fancy words blah blah blah credibility blah blah allies blah blah I'm a big beanpole fruitcake asshole blah blah.

LEHRER: We'll come back to Iraq in a moment. But I want to come back to where I began, on homeland security. This is a two-minute new question, Senator Kerry.

As president, what would you do, specifically, in addition to or differently to increase the homeland security of the United States than what President Bush is doing?

JOHN KERRY (As Edited for Clarity by White House Communications Office): Blah blah police officers blah blah firemen blah give all the money to pervert city dwellers for subways and ports and tunnels blah blah blah class warfare divisive populism blah blah loose nukes blah blah bash bash I am a traitorous dissenter.

LEHRER: Ninety-second response, Mr. President.

THE PRESIDENT: I don't think we want to get to how he's going to pay for all that boring safety stuff. It'd take like a tiny tax increase for us gazillionaires. And there's no way I'm ever doing that! Anyway, that's for another debate.

My administration has done lots for securitizing our borderations. We made that Homeland Security Department that Bill Clinton said would help prevent a 9/11™ – just as soon as 9/11™ went and done happened.

In fact, we're spending money like Bill Bennett on a slots bender at Luxor. But the best way to protect this homeland is to stay on the offense. To keep invading new countries – whether or not the people we're killing had anything to do with 9/11™.

It's hard work, this killing Arabiac women and children. But again, I repeat to my fellow citizens, the best way to protection is to kill anyone and everyone who seems suspicious – if only because they have brown skin, speak foreignese, and worship the wrong version of God.

LEHRER: Yes, let's do a little-yes, 30 seconds.

JOHN KERRY (As Edited for Clarity by White House Communications Office): Blah blah blah I am so losing this debate blah blah it's a foregone conclusion blah blah blah no matter what I say blah blah blah please just turn off the TV now because I'm bombing so badly blah blah blah.

THE PRESIDENT: Look, I kill whoever I think needs killing in order to protect America. It's hard work, but I wake up every day thinking about who I need to work hard to kill next. That's my hard-working job. And if there's one thing about hard work, it's that it's always hard work. Not easy relaxation. Hard work. And that can be the hardest kind of work when you're really working hard.

LEHRER: New question, Mr. President. Two minutes.

What criteria would you use to determine when to start bringing U.S. troops home from Iraq?

THE PRESIDENT: Well I'll tell you what criteria I WON'T use. I won't use that dumb Powell Doctrine thing, which says you shouldn't order U.S. soldiers to their deaths without an objective and exit strategy. My father tried that, and look what it got him! A one-way ticket to the bitter old one-termer's graveyard!

No sir, my criteriazations are much MORE clear than any old Powell Doctrine. Yes, I'll bring our boys home just as soon as FREEDOM® is achieved. Because when FREENESS® happens, there can truly be FREE® FREEDOM®, where FREEIFIED® FREEPERSONS® enjoy FREETASTIC® FREEGASMS® of FREEDOMOSITY®!

LEHRER: All right, new question. Two minutes, Senator Kerry.

Speaking of Vietnam, you spoke to Congress in 1971, after you came back from Vietnam, and you said, quote, "How do you ask a man to be the last man to die for a mistake?" Are Americans now dying in Iraq for a mistake?

JOHN KERRY (As Edited for Clarity by White House Communications Office): Blah blah blah planning-schmanning blah blah Europe-schmeurope blah blah blah I spit in the faces of American soldiers blah blah why won't somebody just put me down like the lame horse I am and cook me into a big bubbling pot of Elmer's glue blah blah blah…

LEHRER: President Bush, ninety seconds.

THE PRESIDENT: That's totally absurd. My opponent says that Iraq is "the wrong war at the wrong place at the wrong time." And in saying it's "the wrong war at the wrong place at the wrong time," the main message that my opponent is communicating is that it's "the wrong war at the wrong place at the wrong time." So when he says it's "the wrong war at the wrong place at the wrong time," what are world leaders supposed to believe except that it's "the wrong war at the wrong place at the wrong time?" You can't say it's "the wrong war at the wrong place at the wrong time" unless you expect people to think you mean it's "the wrong war at the wrong place at the wrong time!"

LEHRER: New question, Mr. President. You have said there was a, quote, "miscalculation," of what the conditions would be in post-war Iraq. What was the miscalculation, and how did it happen?

THE PRESIDENT: Well, we had such a rapid victory. "Mission Accomplished" and all. But you know, it's hard work. I mean, at first it seemed like easy work, but now it's totally hard work. Sure, there's lots of dying and chaos and it's a big old quagmire. But isn't quagmire just a fancy word for "hard work?" Like really really really really really hard work? I mean seriously hard work. Because you have to work hard to go from a one place where people get killed by a dictator to getting killed by the President of America. But we're making progress.

LEHRER: Thirty seconds, Senator Kerry.

JOHN KERRY: I've had one position, one consistent position, that Saddam Hussein was a threat. There was a right way to disarm him and a wrong way. And the president chose the wrong way.

THE PRESIDENT: The only consistent about my opponent's position is that he's been inconsistent. He actually changes his mind about stuff when he learns new things! How insane is that? For instance, two years ago, John Kerry thought his prostate was just fine. But then when some so-called expert told him it had a little bit of cancer in it, not only did John Kerry change his position on his prostate, he went and gave up on that embattled little gland – had it sliced right out of his groinal region!

That's the kind of dangerous position changing that this country simply can't afford!

LEHRER: All right, that brings us to closing statements. And, again, as determined by a coin toss, Senator Kerry, you go first, and you have two minutes.

JOHN KERRY (As Edited for Clarity by White House Communications Office): My fellow Americans, as I've said before, blah blah blah blah blah. A vote for me is a vote for having everyone you've ever loved die a gruesome and agonizing death at the hands of bloodthirsty Arab scum. Blah blah snoresville blabbity-blab I'm even more of a millionaire than President Bush, which means non-rich folks should hate me even though my policies will benefit them. Blah blah blah stronger safter respected blah blah it doesn't matter how tough I talk because everyone knows I'm just a big old pussy who drinks wine and windsurfs.

Thank you. And God bless America – but by "God," I mean a secular feel-good God, and not the angry, literal New Testament daddy of Jesus who will smite the liberal evildoers and babykillers such as my sorry self.

LEHRER: Mr. President, two minutes.

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you very much tonight, Jim. Senator.

The terror of terrifying terrorism is all around. Without me, 9/11™ will happen again – except way more 9/11™ than even the first 9/11™ was.

Fortunately, we have the FREEDOM® to know that being FREE® breeds FREENESS®.

But it's hard work – this getting the hard work done that's needed to work on hard things.

Which is why you can't change positions. Because if your position changes, how can you not be a position changer?

And that's why I'm going to win by doing everything it takes to win the battle that will end in a decisive victory that is characterized by one thing: winning.

Thank you for listening, and may Jesus' daddy – the one and only true God who's name is actually "God" – continue to like our country better than all the other lame, weak, crybaby countries filled with poor colored folks who are going straight to Hell. Good night.

LEHRER: And that ends tonight's debate. A reminder, the second presidential debate will be a week from tomorrow, October 8th, from Washington University in St. Louis. Charles Gibson of ABC News will moderate a town hall-type event. Then, on October 13th, from Arizona State University in Tempe, Bob Schieffer of CBS News will moderate an exchange on domestic policy that will be similar in format to tonight's.

Also, this coming Tuesday, at Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland, the vice presidential candidates, Vice President Cheney and Senator Edwards, will debate with my PBS colleague, Gwen Ifill, moderating.

For now, thank you, Senator Kerry, President Bush.

From Coral Gables, Florida, I'm Jim Lehrer. Thank you and good night.

(APPLAUSE)

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