IFILL: Good evening from Case Western Reserve University's Veale Center here in Cleveland, Ohio.

I'm Gwen Ifill of "The NewsHour" and "Washington Week" on PBS, and I welcome you to the first and the only vice presidential debate between Vice President Dick Cheney and Senator John Edwards.

The order of the first question was determined by the candidates in advance, and the first one goes to Vice President Cheney.

Vice President Cheney, there have been new developments in Iraq, especially having to do with the administration's handling. Paul Bremer, the former head of the Coalition Provisional Authority, gave a speech in which he said that we have never had enough troops on the ground.

Donald Rumsfeld said he has not seen any hard evidence of a link between Al Qaida and Saddam Hussein. Was this approved -- of a report that you requested that you received a week ago that showed there was no connection between Abu Musab al-Zarqawi and Saddam Hussein?

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Gwen, I can call you Gwen, right? Good, because for the duration of this debate, I'm going to be addressing you exclusively, and doing my best to pretend that Senator Revlon Twinkletoes here isn't sitting two feet away from me.

Now Gwen, your question was about as articulate as our President, so let me just say that the thing to keep in mind about me is that as a career Washington bureaucrat, I'm a man who likes to tie up loose ends. Like when I worked for Richard Nixon and Gerald Ford, and the voters fired us for being criminally corrupt, I still came back to Washington as a Congressman so I could continue the important work of dismantling the federal safety net for lazy negrozoids such as yourself, Gwen.

And so it is with the Iraq situation, Gwen. Back when I was Secretary of Defense for the President's daddy, we never finished taking out Saddam Hussein, which made us look weak and pathetic, and that's why we lost the election. So you see Gwen, my neocon pals and I spent all eight years of the Clinton administration planning to attack Iraq. And we even put our plan in motion immediately after I - I mean President Bush - moved back into the Oval Office. Trouble was Gwen, since it was so obvious that Saddam had become pathetically weak and totally unthreatening, it was going to be a big challenge to get Congress to give us the green light to get payback by killing all those innocent Iraqi civilians. Fortunately Gwen, that 9/11 thing happened, and the entire country went so intellectually limp, they would have believed us if we told them we needed to launch a joint offensive against Xanadu and Narnia.

Get the GODLY New Book!

IFILL: Senator Edwards, you have 90 seconds to respond.

JOHN EDWARDS: Thank you, Gwen.

Mr. Vice President, you are still not being straight with the American people!

Now Gwen - one moment here while I hit "Play" on this tape recording of John Kerry's best lines from last Thursday's debate. Because since everyone agrees that he whooped George Bush's butt so bad, us geniuses over at the Kerry campaign decided that tonight, I should start out by just repeating everything that John Kerry said word for word, and then I'll win automatically too!

[Plays Recording]

IFILL: Time for a new question but the same topic. And this time to you, Senator Edwards.

You and Senator Kerry have said that the war in Iraq is the wrong war at the wrong time. Does that mean that if you had been president and vice president that Saddam Hussein would still be in power?

JOHN EDWARDS: Here's what it means: It means that President Bush and Vice President Cheney did a masterful job at using laughably unconvincing intelligence to convince FOX News viewers that Saddam Hussein was about to launch Nukepox in West Podonk, USA. They did this for a host of illegitimate reasons, including personal revenge and political expediency, but mostly to enrich their puppetmasters in the defense and energy industries.

Congressional Democrats knew Saddam was by no means a threat, but given that he had used chemical weapons over a decade earlier, we was all real ascared that the Republicans would use pictures of rusted-out Iraqi chemical containers in their 2004 TV ads against anyone who didn't give them carte blanche to bomb old ladies and children. Besides, America was still thirsty for 9/11 payback. Invading Afghanistan was too easy - the TV war porn was boring on account of all the buildings were already rubble before we started bombing.

So John Kerry and I took the political safe road. We voted to "authorize" force in Iraq, suspecting all along that the Bush administration would execute a monumental fuckup - which we could then exploit politically in 2004. And today, with Iraq in total chaos and America incurring 90% of the costs and casualties, that's exactly what we're doing.

Would Saddam still be in power if it had been a Kerry/Edwards administration? Yeah, he would be. Just like another weak and powerless former Badguy #1 named Fidel Castro, who's only 75 miles away from our border. Of course, we could never say that out loud. Everyone knows that stating the obvious is political suicide - especially when over 1,000 soldiers have now died in Iraq for absolutely nothing.

IFILL: Mr. Vice President, you have 90 seconds to respond.

THE VICE PRESIDENT: The Senator has got his facts wrong, Gwen. First of all, the 90 percent figure is just dead wrong. These days, way more Iraqis are getting blown into hamburger than Americans. So if you change the entire definition of "coalition" to include the country that the coalition was created to invade, well then we're only 50% of the folks getting killed. By the same logic, Americans can take heart in the knowledge that U.S. soldiers are suffering only .00001% of all the ingrown toenails and hemorrhoids in the entire nation of Iraq.

We heard Senator Kerry state the other night that there ought to be some kind of "global test" before America can go kill people in countries that have never threatened us directly. And tonight I want to harp on those two words - "global test" - which were NOT uttered as a figure of speech intended to mean that America should justify its mass killing with hard facts before flushing its once-stellar global reputation down the toilet. No, what John Kerry meant is that when a thousand ship armada containing an invading army is steaming towards our shores, that America will have to sit down and score a 1500 or above on the French/German version of the SAT - and if we don't, we can and should be totally annihilated.

Senator Edwards also conveniently neglects to mention that the war we're fighting is against "terrorism." The average American correctly defines terrorism as "really bad stuff." So that means our military can attack and kill anyone and anything that is bad - like Saddam Hussein. Unfortunately, the Senator and his running mate are too dense to realize that America's entire foreign policy should be based on Everything I Ever Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.

IFILL: Mr. Vice President, a new question for you. You have two minutes to respond.

When the president says that Senator Kerry is emboldening enemies and you say that we could get hit again if voters make the wrong choice in November, are you saying that it would be a dangerous thing to have John Kerry as president?

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Well Gwen, I since I have a full two minutes, I won't start out by simply saying "yes." That might rub some people the wrong way. Let me start out by saying how much the President and I "respect John Kerry's service to our country." After all, he volunteered to go into the heat of combat on a swift boat. Sure, he probably did it because he saw how brilliantly his idol John Kennedy leveraged his own service skippering a small boat in wartime. Fresh out of the Yale political society, Kerry even took his own camera along to make sure he'd have pictures for his future campaigns. But even with all that said, his actions was still a shitload more impressive than President Bush and me doing everything we could to keep our fraidy-cat asses as far away from Vietnam as possible.

Now all that said, let me reference a bunch of John Kerry's votes out of context in order to distort and impugn his record, patriotism, and courage - and end by not-so-vaguely implying that casting a vote for Kerry/Edwards is no different from force-feeding rat poison to your entire family.

IFILL: Senator Edwards, you have 90 seconds to respond.

JOHN EDWARDS: Gwen, I'm gonna jump back to that tape of John Kerry talking again, if that's OK. But this time, I'm going to lip-synch.

[Plays Recording]

IFILL: Senator Edwards, new question to you, and you have two minutes to respond.

Part of what you have said and Senator Kerry has said that you are going to do in order to get us out of the problems in Iraq is to internationalize the effort. Yet French and German officials have both said they have no intention even if John Kerry is elected of sending any troops into Iraq for any peacekeeping effort. Does that make your effort or your plan to internationalize this effort seem kind of naive?

JOHN EDWARDS: Well, let's start with what we know. Along with the rest of the world, the people in France and Germany can see that America has turned Iraq into a disaster zone. They're pointing at our red states and laughing and saying "We told you so - you fat, ignorant, sexually repressed Jesus freaks!" And their politicians see this, so of course they're saying they'll never help clean up the mess.

But to tell you the truth, John Kerry and I have almost no chance of getting our former allies to take a big bite of George W. Bush's shit sandwich. And that sandwich is getting bigger by the day. But it's our sandwich, and we have to deal with it. And to be even more honest, the Kerry/Edwards plan for fixing Iraq is almost indistinguishable from the Bush/Cheney plan - except we say we'll do it better. In short, what America needs is a slightly different shit sandwich recipe. And John Kerry and I are just the guys to cook it up.

And then before you know it, with George W. Bush gone, those former allies like France and Germany and Spain and Russia and Canada will cozy up to America once more, hungrily suckling at our yummy star-spangled cash teat.

IFILL: Mr. Vice President, you have 90 seconds.

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Well, Gwen, it's hard to know where to start. But let me just say this: Sure, global anti-Americanism has exploded to heretofore unimaginable levels directly because of this President's policies. But if anyone thinks that getting rid of the President who's making everyone so mad is going make them less mad, then they have a tenuous grasp on reality and logic, at best. I mean, that's like saying that putting out a house fire is going to save the stuff inside from getting burned! Or that taking a long nap is going to make you feel less tired! It's simply nonsense!

Fortunately, the American people understand that the only way to remedy a problem is to entrust it to the people who created it in the first place. They know that if you go to a doctor for a physical, and he amputates your leg, the last thing you want to do is trust some new doctor to reattach it - especially not when the old doctor's already gearing up to give you a nice kidney transplant!

Besides, why should anyone believe that John Kerry is capable of working with allies? Just last week, that Allawi guy we installed as Prime Minister of Iraq stood before the United State Congress to deliver a beautiful speech we wrote for him. And when it was over, John Kerry dared to imply that things were not so perfect as we told Mr. Allawi to say they were!

I submit to you today that that is not the way to show respect for un-elected figureheads. You're never going to add to the coalition with that kind of contempt for ventriloquism!

IFILL: Mr. Vice President, in June of 2000 when you were still CEO of Halliburton, you said that U.S. businesses should be allowed to do business with Iran because, quote, "Unilateral sanctions almost never work." After four years as vice president now, and with Iran having been declared by your administration as part of the "Axis of Evil," do you still believe that we should lift sanctions on Iran?

CHENEY: Gwen, when I said that, I was talking specifically about unilateral sanctions. What happens when we impose unilateral sanctions is, unless there's a collective effort, then other people move in and take advantage of the situation and you don't have any impact, except to penalize American companies.

Now I know that's complicated, so let me rephrase it for any children or non-Ivy graduates who might be watching: You should be against bad things, unless it means that Halliburton will make less money, in which case I will move aggressively to directly profit off the bad things in question.

As for Iran, sure they're making no secret of the fact that they're developing a nuclear program. And sure we've allowed that real program to proceed on account of we had to stop Saddam Hussein's imaginary nuclear program. But really, all voters need to hear and accept is "we're making progress." Sure, it's all invisible progress with no evidence to support it - just like Saddam's WMDs - but that doesn't mean you shouldn't believe in it!

IFILL: Senator Edwards?

JOHN EDWARDS: Polls tell us that while most Americans don't even know what Halliburton does, they know it's crooked, and know that Dick Cheney ran it. Polls also tell us that the very mention of Halliburton in the context of Dick Cheney evokes highly negative reactions among undecided voters. So if I might, I'd like to suggest to viewers that if there are just three things they take away from tonight's discussion, they should be "Halliburton Dick Cheney," "Dick Cheney Halliburton," and most especially "Dick Halliburton Cheney."

IFILL: Mr. Vice President?

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Gwen, John Edwards wants to distract the American people. He's trying to call my integrity into question by pointing out that under my watch, Halliburton did business with enemy nations, swindled the federal treasury with no-bid contracts, and committed multi-billion dollar tax fraud against the citizenry of the United States. Well I won't waste the American people's time by denying those well-documented charges. Instead, I'm going to change the subject to a really IMPORTANT issue - John Edward's ATTENDANCE!

In my capacity as vice president, I am also the president of Senate, the presiding officer. And I can tell voters that due to his campaigning for the White House this year, John Edwards has missed many committee meetings, as well as key votes on important issues. In fact, had he been away from Washington only 75% more than he actually was, people around the Capitol would have taken to calling him "President Bush."

Yes, I'm up in the Senate most Tuesdays when they're in session. And the first time I ever got to tell John Edwards to "go fuck yourself" was tonight when he walked on the stage.

Furthermore, not only can I attest to his truancy, I've also personally witnessed John Edwards being tardy, throwing spitballs, and giving juicy wet willies to Diane Feinstein!

IFILL: The next question goes to you, Mr. Vice President.

I want to read something you said four years ago at this very setting: "Freedom means freedom for everybody." You said it again recently when you were asked about legalizing same-sex unions. And you used your family's experience as a context for your remarks. Can you describe then your administration's support for a constitutional ban on same-sex unions?

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Well Gwen, let me start by saying that I appreciate how much time and effort you put into the excruciatingly careful wording of that question - most specifically your omission of the term "turf chomper."

For those of you who don't know, my rugged wife Lynne didn't just disgorge a steamy lezbo novel. She also disgorged an actual steaming lezbo - our daughter, Mary. And honestly, we still can't explain how that little baby hid her horns and tail from us!

But honestly, this is another one of those issues that I'd prefer we spend as little time as possible on, so let me just reiterate the copout that I personally think this is an issue that should be left up to the states - just like segregation was until "activist judges" stuck their noses in and ruined Woolworth's lunch counters by letting your grandmother sully them, Gwen.

Anyway, the President and I need the Evangelical vote, and so long as legislative fag-bashing is the one form of bigotry that the all-loving Bible fully condones, we're sticking with it, so help us Jesus.

IFILL: Senator Edwards, 90 seconds.

JOHN EDWARDS: I think the vice president and his wife love their daughter. I think they love her very much. And you can't have anything but respect for the fact that it only took them until 2004 to stop vehemently denying that she was openly gay. It's a wonderful thing, how they embrace her, yet won't let her stand on stage with the rest of their family at Republican events. And can I just tell you how much I am enjoying milking this - spouting warm fuzzies and watching my opponent squirm and twitch and wish more than anything that we could move on to another subject - any subject whatsoever - but knowing that I'm going to draw this out just as loooooooong as I can - inviting millions of viewers to join me in painting a vivid technicolor mental picture of the mighty Cheneys, Second Family of Ultra-Conservatism, sitting down to share their wholesome Thanksgiving turkey with two heavy-petting bull dykes sporting frosted power mullets and sleeveless Ani DiFranco shirts.

Now having said all those nice things about homosexuals, let me stress that John Kerry and I want everyone to know that our official position is that marriage is a religious institution between a man and a woman. After all, we don't have a political death wish. No, we're taking the semantic safe road and supporting "civil unions." Now never anyone mind that this whole issue raises the very simple point that if "marriage" is a "religious institution," that government shouldn't be in the marriage license business in the first place. But that's a political minefield as well. And it might lead to a conversation that involves more than swapping bumper sticker slogans. And then someone might come off as "cerebral." And that would be bad.

IFILL: New question, but same subject.

As the vice president mentioned, John Kerry comes from the state of Massachusetts, which has taken as big a step as any state in the union to legalize gay marriage. Yet both you and Senator Kerry say you oppose it. Are you trying to have it both ways?

JOHN EDWARDS: That's a very astute question, Gwen. Because as everyone knows, when someone is from someplace, that means that they automatically agree with and are involved in everything that happens there. So yes, you got us. And since you're such a cunning journalist, I might as well come clean with you now and say that while I say I'm opposed to smoking tobacco, I'm also from North Carolina - which means I'm trying to have it both ways.

IFILL: Mr. Vice President, you have 90 seconds.

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Well, Gwen, let me simply thank the Senator for the kind words he said about my family and our daughter. I appreciate that very much.

IFILL: That's it?

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Yes, I forfeit the remaining 70 seconds. Can we just move on from the fucking homo talk already?

IFILL: OK, then we'll move on to the next question.

This one is for you, Mr. Vice President. President Bush has derided in John Kerry for putting a trial lawyer on the ticket. You yourself have said that lawsuits are partly to blame for higher medical costs. Are you willing to say that John Edwards, sitting here, has been part of the problem?

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Well Gwen, to be honest with you, I have no idea. Killing Arabs is my game, not health care policy. When you're like me and have more money than God, you don't need to worry about how you're going to cover chump change expenses like installation and maintenance on your top-of-the-line bionic heart.

I can tell you that John Edwards has been part of the political problem. In fact, it wasn't until he appeared on Karl Rove's radar screen in early 2002 as a serious presidential contender that we even started talking about trial lawyers. And the better John Edwards did, the more we harped on it. Is it really relevant? Again, I have no idea. But it tested well in focus groups.

IFILL: Senator Edwards?

JOHN EDWARDS: It's not lost on me that people hate lawyers. Why do you think I stopped practicing law once I was rich? Fortunately though, I'm awful pretty. And John Kerry and I are confident that the sheer jaw-dropping force of my prettiness will banish any and all negative thoughts and associations about ambulance chasers from most voters' minds.

We're also betting on the fact that for all that people hate lawyers, the last four years have taught them to hate egregiously corrupt and self-serving petrochemical robber-barons even more!

IFILL: OK, we'll move on to our final question. This goes to Senator Edwards.

Flip-flopping has become a recurring theme in this campaign, you may have noticed. Senator Kerry changed his mind about whether to vote to authorize the president to go to war. President Bush changed his mind about whether a homeland security department was a good idea or a 9/11 Commission was a good idea. What's wrong with a little flip-flop every now and then?

JOHN EDWARDS: Well Gwen, of course I knew that a question about "flip-flopping" was inevitable tonight. And to be honest with you, in my private life as a rational person, I actually have no problem with people who change their minds after having accrued wisdom and experience that is germane to the subject at hand. We thinking people like to call that "learning" or "maturing." Trouble is, my opponents in the Republican party have been very successful at gaining political ground by hurling vacuous schoolyard taunts like "flip-flopper." And that's why tonight, instead of urging Americans to rise above mere name calling, I'll be delivering the following pre-memorized response:

IT'S NOT US WHO'S THE FLIP-FLOPPERS! IT'S THEM! THEY FLIP-FLOPPED ON LOTS OF STUFF! 9/11 COMMISSION? FLIP-FLOP! HOMELAND SECURITY? FLIP-FLOP! IT'S FLIP-FLOP AFTER FLIP-FLOP AFTER FLIP-FLOP!

IFILL: Mr. Vice President?

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Well Gwen. My opponent can break into his silver-tongued courtroom oratory all he wants, but nothing's going to change the fact that he's a flip-flopper.

JOHN EDWARDS: I KNOW YOU ARE, BUT WHAT AM I???

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Flip-flopper.

JOHN EDWARDS: NUH-UH! YOU ARE THE FLIP-FLOPPINGEST FLIPPER OF ALL THE FLOPPERS!

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Gwen, it is he who flip-flops. Not I.

JOHN EDWARDS: OBJECTION! OBJECTION! THE VIEWING JURY WILL DISREGARD THE LAST FLIP-FLOP REFERENCE!

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Go fuck yourself, flip-flopper.

JOHN EDWARDS: [Puts fingers and ears and closes eyes.] NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! IT'S YOOOOOOUUUUUU!

THE VICE PRESIDENT AND JOHN EDWARDS: FLIP-FLOPPERS! FLIP-FLOPPERS! FLIP-FLOPPERS! FLIP-FLOPPERS! FLIP-FLOPPERS! FLIP-FLOPPERS!

IFILL: And with that, we come to the end of tonight's debate.

A reminder: The second presidential debate takes place this coming Friday at Washington University in St. Louis, Missouri. Charles Gibson of ABC News will serve as moderator of that encounter, where the candidates will field questions from an audience. Then, on October 13th, from Arizona State University in Tempe, Arizona, Bob Schieffer of CBS News will moderate a debate on domestic issues.

For now, thank you, Vice President Cheney, Senator Edwards.

From Cleveland, Ohio, I'm Gwen Ifill. Thank you, and goodnight.

(APPLAUSE)

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