THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Last night saw the conclusion of a great American tradition, as the 2004 World Series finished up early after a four-game shutout.

Now my personal love for the game of baseball is well known. So well known, in fact, that back when my daddy was President, some real nice guys who needed some political favors gave me a $14 million ownership stake in the Texas Rangers for only $100,000. And boy was that hard work! Because while the other owners got to travel around and do all the easy business stuff, I had to sit tight and watch every game to make sure the beer was chilled and the Oscar Myers were overpriced! But that's why I have the expertness to sum up the 2004 Series.

So Boston beat St. Louis. Big deal. We're talking about Missouri, after all. Like anyone would expect real competition from the same state that re-elected Dick Gephardt thirteen times. I mean, if their Congressman has no eyebrows, should anyone be surprised that their ball players don't have enough fuzz on their nutsacks to whoop a bunch of homo-marrying

Get the GODLY New Book!

nancy boys from Faggachusetts? Presidential Memo to the Cards: if you spent as much time practicing as you do sucking down Budweiser longnecks, you wouldn't slip in Clydesdale shit as often.

Now to be fair, I do owe St. Louis some gratitude. My family's money – I mean the stuff that wasn't made influence peddling and doing that low risk insider-trading thing – originally came from St. Louis. But there is a reason why you always hear about the Bush part of the family and not the Walker branch, even though they had all the cash. The Bushes were smart enough not to stay in shithole like St. Louis!

Now I know that today, the people of Boston – along with the whole state of Massachusetts – are all fired up and probably still going through the dry heaves from all that delicious Sam Adams. Ah, the misty water color memories. It seems like just yesterday. But, in truth, it was the day before. Anyway, I bet the whole Northeast must be pretty fired up – on account of the Red Sox is the only major league franchise in all of New England. Man, six whole states all rooting for the same team. How pathetic is that? You losers are like a Mormon dude with only one nine year-old wife! Now that I think about it, I'm not even sure I want to win New Hampshire next week. I mean, why would I want electoral votes from people so stupid, they root for another state's loser team decade after embarrassingly humiliating decade?

Anyway, as I was saying, I know that this morning finds millions and millions of Blue State Red Sox fans buzzing harder than Bill O'Reilly's vibrator. You all think that since your team won the World Series, that now you're on some kind of roll or something. You think that just because your scruffy crew of mulletted, steroid-engorged, hot bubble-butts totally lucked out through no talent of their own, that it's got some kind of cosmic significance. Like Jesus rolled the roulette wheel of life and screamed, "Hot damn, New England wins it all!" You think it's a good omen, and that now your beanpole Senator is going to win the White House.

Well think again, my atheistical New Englandians. Because this election is already in the bag. Ask any True Christian and they'll tell you: Jesus ain't no turf-chomping lezbo, but when it comes to Presidential politics, He only grooves on Bush. And by giving the Northeast the sports equivalent of a mercy fuck, what Jesus is doing is psyching you out. He's throwing you a bone, lifting your hopes sky high, if only so He and I can laugh all the harder next Tuesday when Diebold runs its "I Feel A Miracle Coming On!" software, and then reality bitch-slaps you liberal fruitloops all the way back to political Siberia.

So read my butt lips: yours truly WILL be re-selected – no matter what how many homos in Boston learn to catch a baseball – because I haven't spent the last seven months playing Weekend at Bernies with Bill Rehnquist's cancer-ravaged corpse for nothing!

Thank you, and God Bless me.

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