THE PRESIDENT: Earlier today I was informed of an all-new video tape on which that O'Llama bin Whatsisface fellow in Greater Baghdad, Pakistan speaks directly to the American people. My speech composers' formal response to this development was something like, let me see if I have that card. Here we go: "Americans will not be intimidated or influenced by an enemy of our country!"

And by "intimidated," I mean "experience any brand of paranoia other than that which I have so carefully cultivated to instill unquestioning, starry-eyed worship of yours truly." And by "influenced," I mean "roused from the comforting stupor of flag-waving quasi-fascism in which said paranoia thrives."

In other words, our national dignity relies on the fact that you folks out there remember that the reason you are scared shitless is because of the idea of me at the controls in the White House – not because of anything some foreign asshole said. We don't need to be importing fear from overseas when my administration is working harder than my mother's full-length mirror to scare the crap out of you 24-8.

Get the GODLY New Book!

That's right, because with less than 100 hours to go until the real heavy-duty ballot shredding kicks in, the last thing voters should be fretting over is any reminder of 9-11^® that hasn't been painstakingly packaged by my campaign to elicit exactly the desired emotional response.

No sir, just because the one man who singlehandedly killed more of us – right here on our own soil – than anyone else in the history of the universe, has popped up to flip us the bird and remind everyone how I let him get away so he can do it again, no, that's no reason whatsoever to think that would be relevant to this election. I mean, just because he's clearly alive and well and actively producing a spectacular sequel to 9-11^®, doesn't mean that any American should be questioning their leadership.

Did I mention how we're winning the war on terrorism?

Well we are! Winning it but good! And don't let nobody tell you any different on account of the king of the terrorists just jumped out of your television and took a big steaming dump on your "God Bless America" throw rug. Don't let them tell you how he has approval ratings ten gazillion times higher than me in all those Arabiac countries I've spent three years showering with napalm cluster bombs of FREEDOM^®. And whatever you do, definitely don't let them tell you how the number of worldwide terrorist attacks have increased four-fold during my term!

I will say this about old O'Llama bin Whatsisface though – he's got a lot of nerve dissing me for being a rich daddy's boy. I mean, talk about the mulatto calling the octoroon a nigger! Everyone knows that he'd be just another penniless sand monkey if his daddy hadn't been the Donald Trump of Saudi Arabia and his family hadn't invested in my daddy's Carlyle Company. And for all his phony posturing as a holy roller, he spent a decent chunk of his youth in Beirut nightclubs – swilling hooch and banging cooch! So I don't know why he hates me so much. We're practically the same goddamned person – except I've ordered thousands more women and children killed than he has.

So remember, I'm the one who understands and has all the experience with this Ohomo Hussein guy! He's like a cancerous tumor. I know that. But John Kerry is so out of touch with reality, he has the nerve to say that I should have gone in and cut that tumor out before it spread to seven other organs. Fortunately, the polls still show that 51% of Americans are smart enough to want a doctor who can treat cancer correctly – with a religious incantation, a tear on cue, and a fresh pack of Marlboros.

And to all you billions of Americans out there scared and cowering on your economic deathbed, time for some leeches – because, Howdy, the doctor is in!

(Applause.)

Thank you very much. Thank you.

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