THE TSUNAMI DISASTER: PRESIDENT BUSH ANNOUNCES AMERICA'S STEPPED-UP COMMITMENT TO DISABUSING THE UNITED NATIONS OF ANY RUDE DELUSIONS OF NON-WORTHLESSNESS
Statement by the President
THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Please be seated.
Six days ago, the Good Lord, acting in all His mysterious grandeur, saw fit to summarily exterminate 150,000 people
on the beaches of the Indian (dot, not feather) Ocean. A lightening-quick 96 hours later, I finally got around to pledging
$36 million, which is almost enough money to pay for ten minutes of America's
noble Arab-slaughtering crusade in Iraq!
(Applause.)
Thank you, thank you. It was nothing. Really. I mean it. Nothing.
Which is partly why today, I am increasing that figure to $350 million. Now I know that some whiny critic-types will say that
I'm only doing this on account of so many folks have been complaining that my initial response was so penny-ante. Well my
friends, that could not be further from the truth. Seriously, if I was worried about people pointing out that I'm a heartless
cheapskate, would I still be charging ahead with my plans to dynamite the Medicare and Social Security safety net
for America's poor oldsters? Hell, no! And would I be nickle-and-diming crippled and decrepit U.S. war veterans out of their
pathetic little benefits packages? No again!
Truth is, I'm upping this relief package to remind the world of something it already knows:
that America is the best at everything – especially whatever's hot. And today, if there's one thing that's hotter
than the sweaty little man nipples under Ann Coulter's falsies, it's this Asianesia disaster stuff. Folks can't get enough of it! And that is why I am
determined that in tsunami relief, as in crushing Muslim pride under a gleaming jackboot, the US of A will never take a back seat to
anybody – especially not some pack of know-nothing jigaboos over at the United Nations.
That is why today, in addition to upping the United States' money commitment, I'm also actively working on setting up all-new
plans and partnerships that will enable America to summarily flip the bird to the United Nations and all of the dumb, inferior
disaster relief stuff they're doing. Sure, folks at the UN may not like this, but that's the way it goes. I mean, if the
United Nations didn't support my shockin' awesome plan to go drop bombs on millions of perfectly healthy Arabiacs, why in hell
would I ever support their lame plan to go and drop food and medicine on millions of homeless and starving Orientals? That's
right, we've got our own operation and our own plan.
Besides, if the UN had anywhere near as many CEOs as it does do-nothing intellectual elites, they would know that
competition is healthy. Any fella who has ever played an organized team sport will tell them that. You have to be
in the game to benefit from it. Because if you just pay for your disaster relief ticket and sit in the stands watching the
UN play, then you don't get go in the locker room and slap any wet heinies in the shower afterwards. And well, that
there is my favorite part of any game.
And by "game," I do mean the "multi-gazillion dollar reconstruction industry" which is just now springing to life
throughout this zone of Asiatic mega-destruction which the Good Lord, in all his economy-boosting wisdom, saw fit to
create. Because once they finish bulldozing those stinky corpses into landfills, those people are going to need new buildings & facilities,
water purification systems,
and major road & highway rehabilitation –
not to mention all-new railroads, airports,
and ports & harbors.
And that, my friends, is where America – not the United Nations – can and will champion over
the evil that is bleeding-heart non-profit humanitarianism.
So in closing, let me state again that I am publicly upping America's up-front investment in Rebuild Asia, Inc. to
$350 million, and will continue to increase that figure as is needed to cement our controlling interest in the coming
contract awarding process. And let me also remind the voters from my base who are a little piqued about
this pledge – it's not like I'm talking about real money here. Remember that I also pledged BILLIONS
to fight AIDS in Africa, and hell if I've forked out squat for that. (Laughs.) Because hey – America's Ferrari owners
need their tax cuts, right? (Winks.)
Thank you, and God Bless Bushamerica.
(Applause.)
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White House Information:
