THE PRESIDENT: Today, despite a monolithic media and corporate marketing machine that depicts real Americans as a blessedly homogeneous sea of hard-bodied Aryans, millions of immigrants still stubbornly insist on identifying with ancestral nations where people look funny, talk funnier, and use little wooden sticks instead of forks to scarf down cat and dog meat cooked in foul-smelling, super-spicy garlic slop. Foremost among these poor deluded souls are, of course, the Orientals.

For generations now, persons of Asiatic heritage have swarmed into our Nation, like a robot army programmed to equip even the dankest redneck backwater with its own Wok n' Roll restaurant, strip mall dry cleaners, and that one sneaky buck-toothed kid who blows the curve on the SAT math section. And while I myself don't know any personally, my brother Neil speaks very highly of these people — or at least the velvety insides of their ladyfolk's super-tight pleasure holes.

This month, during Oriental/Asiatic Heritage Month, my administration endures the political command

Get the GODLY New Book!

performance of mouthing feel-good platitudes about these unusual people, whose only real value to Republicans lies in translating the gobbledy-gook Oriental languages which might otherwise serve as an obstacle in the stocking of Wal-Mart shelves with gazillions of cheap plastic trinkets assembled by the nimble little fingers of pre-teen Chinkatronic slaves!

Appropriately, I have ordered that this year's Oriental Heritage theme be, "Liberty and FREEDOM^® for All." That way, I eliminate the need to actually know or communicate anything about any bizarre foreign cultures, and instead simply recycle a few awesome-sounding, totally poll-tested sound bytes like "We honor [INSERT ETHNICITY HERE] soldiers who have fought for FREEDOM^®, and look forward to working with [INSERT ETHNICITY HERE] to defeat TERROR and promote FREEDOM^® and LIBERTY^TM around the world!"

NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, do hereby reluctantly proclaim May 2005 as Oriental/Asiatic American Heritage Month. As such, I call upon all rice-cooking peoples, whatever name they go by: Chinese, Koreanese, Japanastazi, Vietnamish, or whatever, to kindly remember this vacuous political gesture when it comes time to vote for my baby brother Jebber. And also, even though you all constitute more than half the world's population, and had a thriving, highly-advanced culture when Europeans were still wallowing in their own filth, that you can just forget about trying to rewrite history and rob America of its super-patriotic achievement of having invented fireworks for the 4th of July.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this third day of May, in the year of America's Lord Jesus Christ two thousand five, and of the Reign of the Thousand Year Bush Dynasty the ninth.

GEORGE W. BUSH

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